How to Survive Life in the Suburbs

Dear Diary…Am Going to He((

in Everyday on

To be read in your best “Bridgette Jones’s Diary” voice because that is how I wrote it! 

Weight: Not talking about it, should stop with the chocolate.

Alcohol Units: Zero – Pity.

Cigarettes: Zero –Not a smoker, not much of a victory here.

Dear Diary,

Encountered very wrinkly old gal driving her besty in beat up ol car.  Their combined age 170?  Old Bitty cut me off at Starbucks drive through and I screamed, okay, muttered rather loudly under my breath “You old bitty, if you can’t see over the steering wheel it is time to turn in your car keys!”  “Invest in a booster seat.”  So proud. Clearly do not NEED more coffee. 

Ran into unkindly gossipy neighbour in the drug store today.  No escape.  Original plans had me only picking up an ice pack for my sore back.  Seriously considered purchase of hemorrhoid cream, wart remover and a pregnancy test just to see what kind of rumours she would start.  Hubby thinks it’s cute that I have an arch enemy, I think it is just tiresome.

The University boys are back from Christmas break.  Got good and checked out at the deli counter.  At first flattered, then very weirded out as it dawned on me that at 39 I am actually old enough to be said University Boys Mama! *shiver

Daughter made up and sent out birthday invitations.  One particular little 11 year old can not make the festivities.  Did not sigh, was not sad.  Did little dance of joy as that child rubs me the wrong way! I am horrible person.

Clearly I am going to hell.  Am evil retched person very thankful that senior citizens, arch enemies and children can not read minds.

End of evil thoughts for today.

    • Comments

    1. don’t worry ! I believe we just make hell happen here on earth more than God would ever want us to endure in the after life so I dont even think there is a hell just a heaven lol….. and even soo..NONE of that was bad enough for hell anyways:) your a great person dont ya worry!

    4. I would say that you have channeled Bridget Jones very well. Could totally hear her in my head as I read this.

      As for your day? Utterly normal, and tomorrow is yet another chance to do it better.

      Oh bugger, today sucked. Sorry it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for you.

    9. You seriously don’t want in my mind. Evah.
      The arch enenmy , gotta love it. I mean, it means you are awesome! I’d have picked all of that stuff up, and a DNA test, and all confidential like ask her “Do you think this really works to tell who a baby daddy is?”

    11. That was so funny! It made me giggle and I love Bridget Jones. It was spot on 🙂 and you are not evil… just normal thoughts.

    12. Well if you’re going to hell i’m right along there with you. Have even doctored invitations in the past to ensure some of said irritating youngsters just don’t receive them!