How to Survive Life in the Suburbs

Some Things I’ve Learned The Hard Way

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If your bladder is full and you have had 2 huge babies.  You had better brace for that sneeze.  Cross those legs sweetie.

By the way…..watch out for trampolines too.

Never trust a man who leads with …. “Trust me”. 

Eyebrow waxing…actually any kind of waxing should be left to the experts!

A child will always get the stomach flu in the middle of the night.

Ear infections, they happen on Fridays, right after the Doctors office close, or during the holidays.

That air conditioner you are trying to hang onto for just one more summer will die in the middle of the biggest heat wave of the summer.  (along with everyone else’s so it will take at least three weeks to fix)

Ummm Kids don’t know that you must knock on a closed bedroom door. Don’t scar your kids for life, invest in a locking doorknob.

Girlfriends will gossip.  It is the nature of the beast.  Sadly, there are few people in world that you can truly trust. When you find them, hang on tight.

Just because you are a D.I.N.K. (double income no kids) that does not mean you should  buy a vacuum from a door to door sales guy.  This does not make you super responsible and wicked smart planning for your future, it just makes you well a gullible d……ummy.  What did you think I was going to say.  vacaumZits happen. Never EVER squeeze them with your fako acrylic or gel nails.  Trust me fake nails + pimple squeezing = disaster.

You know how that sales girl keeps telling you you don’t look fat in those pants?  Yeah.  She’s on commission baby. 

When you drive a huge SUV with retractable side view mirrors USE them when you park that baby in the garage.  The manufacturer does not put the option on the car cause it’s pretty, they put it on there so when you back out of the garage, your mirrors stay attached to the vehicle!   Lincoln-Navigator

Here’s hoping by sharing my wee bits of misery you won’t have to learn these things the hard way!

    • Comments

    1. I’ve had 3 kids and I’m ok with jumping jacks and sneezing. However….WHILE pregnant…diff story…I peed my pants at a carnival after a a string of sneezes one after the other.

    3. haha i loved this list …esp the lock on bedroom door.

      tmi but…
      my 9 yr old mini me came up to me the other day and said…i was going to show you something…i said ‘oh really when’ ..she said the day your door was locked…i tried to get in but couldn’t. geez..i nearly had a heart attack! i’m sooo not ready for that to ever happen! haha

    5. All so very true. I like the one about investing in a doorknob with a lock, I “may” have been guilty of that a time or too.

    6. Ok, the bladder thing is so real! When did this happen? I didn’t know about the trampoline trouble. Oh geez, what’s good about getting up? lol

    9. LOL, how true are these?

      I rarely get zits, but when I do, I get rid of them by putting toothpaste on them overnight; it works every time!

    15. yep ALWAYS prepare for a sneeze.. it’s not gonna change! and a locking bedroom door is essential to the well being of your kids.
      love this… 🙂