How to Survive Life in the Suburbs

The Ultimate Suburban Mom Uniform?

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I have caved. I purchased the ultimate in the essential suburban mom uniform.
A pair of Lululemon pants and of course a little hoodie to go with them.
The process to get these little babies was a unique shopping experience that will not soon be forgotten! As I wandered about this somewhat spandex laden store I realized I was surrounded by an alarming number of uber fit women. I ignored them all and searched out the pants who as urban legend will have it..is famed to transform all butts into objects of art. A few hard bodies disguised as women was not going to dissuade me from seeing if this legend was true.
Now. To the selection. I scoop up my size. (I’m not telling you my size, it’s none of your business) But, am I a tall or a regular? I am a tall girl. Nearly 5 foot 10 inches but I have to tell you, doing that thing we all do, holding those pants up to myself to “measure” them, it looks like these tall pants were made for Amazons! I grab some pants in my size, and the size up. (No girl wants to have to beg for someone to go get her a size bigger, size smaller great, bigger no.) Also grabbed both the regular and tall variety. My arms were getting full!

The perky little sales girl at the changing room requests my name and writes it down on a white board attached to my change room in big bold script. She then proceeds to ask me what I will be using my Lulus for?
Thinking on my feet I quickly stammer “Oh, just my treadmill at home.”
Shut.Up.
What was I supposed to say?
I can’t tell her I just want these pants to strut around the house in. That I just came in to see if the urban legend was true. That I want to see if these are truly magic pants that makes your ass look 10 years younger. That I figure my Hubby might think they are hot.

I slip out of my jeans and into the Lulus.
AHHHH… What. Turn. Turn. Giggle. Seriously?
Price check.
Gulp. $98.00
Don’t care!
These pants are GREAT!
I’m buying a new butt today!
I can not get to the cash register fast enough.

I text Hubby from the parking lot.

Bought new pants u r going to LUV.

Oh Yeah. Let me just say. The legend? She is true.
Run, don’t walk, to get yourself some new Lululemons and the brand new swagger that comes with it.

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    • Comments

    2. I never wear my lulus, even if they’re comfy… I should dig them out some day – every woman needs to be comfy hoovering the house!

      But if your ass is fugly, no lulus in the world is going to fix that. I’ve walked behind a few delusional women to know 😮 (note: tight spandex does not hide cellulite!)

    4. I checked my friends. You can find these little babies on ebay. Let me know if you need some real life…How do they really fit advice? I’ll do my best:)
      AND Suzy..I don’t know if they suck the tummy in, but they sure do minimize. It’s a beautiful thing.

    7. That is so funny because (I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I got pink slipped due to budget cuts) and everybody keeps asking me what I am going to do this upcoming school year (since there is not a teaching job in sight) and I keep telling them “Oh, I don’t know, go out and get me one of those cute matching workout suits and be a “room mom”.” Now I will definitely have to make good on that statement.

    9. Never heard of them, but if my butt can look as good in real life as it does in the photo then I want them!! Please tell me I can get them in England (or at a push on the Internet)!! I must have them! x

    10. This is hysterical! I think I need these butt-transforming pants though. But do they make them for those that put Kim Kardashian to shame?
      $100 is a small price to pay for a fabulous butt!

    13. ok, i live in suburban mom spandex heaven (hell perhaps!!) and i knew nothing about these!!! every little mama takes their kids to school in their workout getup here and i never once asked why their butts look so young. Thanks for helping uncover the mystery 🙂 i’m off to go shopping!!