How to Survive Life in the Suburbs

I Could Never Be An Axe Murderer

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Tap. Tap. Tap.

Where is that coming from?

Then again, a faint scratch and one knock.  On the door?  I think?  It was faint, but persistent. I went to look through the stained glass windows of our front doors and saw…nothing?

Opened the door and lying there ghostly pale and covered in a thin film of sweat, was my Hubby. 

“Honey, I cut my foot, I’m going to pass out”.  Was what he muttered.  Oh crap.  have you ever seen that episode of Fraser when Niles Crane cuts his finger while ironing? 

‘>Courtesy of YouTube

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Yeah, could be my big man.  Every single time he gets a glimpse of his own blood he needs to lie down.  Fast. 

Turns out Klutzy Hubby came home from a golf tourney all proud of himself for winning a great big trophy, and a great big bottle of Grey Goose Vodka.  As he stepped out of his man car he simultaneously dropped that giant bottle of Grey Goose and stepped on the giant shards of glass is created.  Ouch! Through the shoe and into his foot.  I was greeted at the door by a white faced man and a giant pool of rapidly expanding blood.  First aid Mama kicked in.  Stopped the blood and got the pale clammy man inside.  Once he was squared away I went outside to gather up the boy’s trophy and clean up the glass. 

My eyes could not quite comprehend what I was seeing!  I imagine this is what a crime scene would look like.  Blood drops from the car door to the house. Drag marks from where my poor man had nearly passed out and crawled the last two feet, and then a ridiculously large pool of blood outside our front door.  No wonder the man felt faint.

Here’s a question this Mama has never had to deal with before.  How on earth does a woman clean up a mess like this one? I couldn’t just leave it!  If the kids saw it they would be traumatized, and if the neighbours saw it they would think someone in the house had been killed!

I got out my sexy and reliable rubber gloves, some sponges, a plastic bag, bleach and Lysol. Probably not the best chemical combination as the odours did leave me a bit light headed. After an honest hour of scrubbing you could just barely make out the suburban crime scene.  I only gagged a couple of times.

Gotta tell you, this definitely got me thinking.  If a cut on the bottom of a mans foot could make this big a mess on a side walk, how do the bad guys do it?  Why aren’t more of them caught?

This thing I know for sure, I could never be an axe murderer.

    • Comments

    1. Im glad my hubs does good in those situations. A while back he sliced his hand open pretty good and came in calmly and told me he cut his hand and I needed to come look. I looked and said ok lets go to urgent care and get you stitched up. His reply? I dont think it needs stitches…cant you just sew it up? Um no!! I can handle blood and vomit and lots of other gross things but I will not stitch you up!

    2. What a great show Frasier was! I don’t think I ever saw that episode. So funny that you now know you could never be an axe murderer. I’m with you. I can’t even watch Dexter!

    3. Sounds gruesome! I hope hubby is okay. He’s okay, right? I’m squeamish in the “don’t make me touch it” kind of way, but just seeing it doesn’t bother me. (That comes from my CSI/Evidence Tech days. )

    5. Good job, lady! 🙂 I bet the neighbors would wonder. I half wonder if anyone took a picture of you and is debating whether or not to contact the authorities… Just a thought!

    6. That episode where Niles is ironing is classic! Thanks for reminding me of that.
      And I’m so sorry about your husband. And the vodka:)

    7. Your hubby is lucky to have you – I would have opened the door, took one look and went screaming for help as I wouldn’t have been able to deal – much less clean it up!

    9. Ouch! Ouch! At least he didn’t seriously hurt himself. Can’t imagine having to clean up a pool of blood myself. I think murders who chop up people or slice them up, gotta have a super strong stomach!

      Glad you included the Youtube clipping of Niles Crane. That was hilarious ^_^

    10. Oh my hell! You’re my hero! I do NOT do blood. The very first thing I tell my class every year is that Mrs. L does NOT do blood, so if you or someone else is bleeding, go straight to the office!

      At least the alcohol sanitized the giant piece of glass before it went into his foot. Poor baby! At least you helped him. I would have left him lie there while I called 911!!!

    11. Oh god. This post made me laugh. It also left me with spaghetti limbs. Just reading about blood makes me all weak. When I taught grade 2 and a student would have a nose bleed, I couldn’t deal. Had to send them to the office and then promptly sit down before I fainted. Clearly your husband, Niles and I are big sucks.

    12. Crime scenes must be really gross. That is one job I would not like to have. Cleaning up crime scenes! Ugh! Hope the cut heals quickly!

    13. I don’t know why but this just made me laugh- a lot. I hope he is ok. I feel like my solution may have been to just pour red paint all over the porch in a splotchy pattern and call it art…? I’m lazy and don’t have any sexy rubber scrubbing gloves. 🙂

    14. Oh my! That sounds like a disturbing scene all around. Being one who lives in fear of axe murderers, I probably would have assumed one was on the loose and just left my husband on the doorstep.

    15. but i DO love me the movie, “so i married an ax murderer!” 🙂

      i don’t think i would have thought to get some type of detergent/cleanser. I probably would have picked up the glass and sprayed it with a hose.