How to Survive Life in the Suburbs

Passive Aggressive Letters. . . . with Love

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Dear Little Crook who broke into my SUV. Again.
Does your Mother know where you were last night? (you little creep) Do you think she would be proud? (that her kid is a piece of dirt) Of course not! What in the hell were you thinking!
You, my little deviant friend, are heading down a very bumpy road. Breaking a Mama’s car window on a nice quiet street in order to steal their Starbucks money from the ashtray may seem like a small crime, but it is a crime. (plus I get way grumpy without my coffee)
To walk out to my car this morning and find my window smashed, the contents of my glove box strewn about and my daughters left over juice boxes thrown on the seats was very unsettling. That car was parked 5 feet from my little SweetGirls window.
Don’t come back or this ModernMom is going to have to open up a can of whoop a$ on you.
Signed
Disappointed with Mankind.

Dear Canada Post,
You are making me look bad.
Went I went to the mailbox today I found THREE returned Christmas cards. Seriously? This can’t be my fault. I think you should check again.
Signed
Why Did I Bother

Dear Department Store Credit Card
Oh yes, you lured me in with your 10% off of purchase if I signed up on the spot. Plus the cash back coupons? How could I resist? I am a woman. I like to, no need to shop. It is in my DNA. I got my first credit card statement today and had time to look through the fine print. My interest rate is 28.9%!! Ha! Ridiculous.
Signed
Canceling her card.

Dear Self
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Signed
Jiggly Legs

    • Comments

    1. Love your passive aggressive letters. I just watched part of the movie “Confessions of a Shopaholic” on television with my 11 year old daughter. I’m not a big shopper but I thought that the movie was hilarious.

      The best scene I saw was the main character laying on her bed, surrounded by credit card bills and collection notices, crying, “They called me a valued customer and now they send me hate mail!”

      Love it!

      http://www.successinthesuburbs.blogspot.com/

    3. Love this post! And I don’t know about the whole ‘nothing tastes as good as thin feels’ thing… I don’t think Kate Moss has eaten food in over 7 years, so I think she’s forgotten a thing or two about food, you know? šŸ˜‰
      I’m so sorry about your car being broken into – how violating!!! Tell that jerk to NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN OR ELSE!!!! Stupid little punk.

    4. Okay, I need a tattoo with that last one. Maybe right on my hand so as the fork is coming to my mouth I will see it. Sorry your car got broken into. Jerk

    5. What a shame. If those kids put as much time into something constructive as they do into thievery and destruction, they could actually make a difference in the world.

      I always turn down the credit card offers in stores. It’s not worth 10% off to me. Too much hassle in the long run.

    6. I think revenge tastes as good as thin feels.

      Next time some punk breaks into your car to steal the bag that’s on your front seat, he’ll be surprised to find it holds 10 dozen angry black wasps.

      I hate crime!!

    9. Sorry to read about the break in – it sucks, no matter what was taken.

      Canada Post is turning into a legalized form of extortion I think.

      I’ve done that a few times, get the deals and then cancel, thankyouverymuch!

    10. When they sales pitch me on those store cards, I just say “Oh, no, I get in enough trouble with the one I already have.” Shuts ’em right down.

      Sorry to hear about the break-in. That stuff is maddening and saddening all at once.