How to Survive Life in the Suburbs

The Secrets To Surviving A Snorer

in Family on

snoring-man

I love my SassyHusband more than life itself.  I love my sleep too.

So what happens when the man you adore snores, sounding like a freaking freight train running through a tunnel?  Well, it’s a process.  Here my friends are the escalating stages of unsuccesffully sleeping with a snorer.

  1. At first, you attempt to match your breathing along with that of your loved one.  Good luck with that.  He’s already ASLEEP.
  2. Then you gently try and rub his back.  Perhaps to get them to wake a little so they don’t snore quiet so loudly.  Foolishly thinking this will quiet the lion within.  Pft.
  3. When the sweetness doesn’t work, you give a little cough or sniff. Crossing your fingers that this wakes that snorer up and somehow re-sets the snoring button.
  4. The cough failure leads to a polite ask.  Asking that sweet man in a passive aggressive whisper to “Please roll over on to your side”.
  5. When they completely ignore you, it’s time to aggressively roll over, tearing at the blankets and sheets.  Perhaps if he’s cold he will shut up?
  6. As Dear Hubby continues his deep, uninterrupted sleep you give him the death start.  Willing him silently to STFU.
  7. Starting to get desperate now; you find yourself exclaiming out loud…”Are you kidding me with that freaking noise!” because that’s helpful.
  8. You pound your pillow.  He keeps on snoring.
  9. Do your best fly imitation… and flick his nose.  Nothing.
  10. Contemplate what the ramifications would be if you gave your dear Hubby a quick …sorta gentle…throat punch.  Good thing you’re nicer than that.
  11. Now near tears, begin to BEG him to stop with the freaking snoring.  To which he might wake up and declare.  “What, I wasn’t even asleep yet.” or Just. Keep. Snoring.
  12. Finally you admit defeat, grab your tear soaked pillow, violently snag your blanket and stomp your way down the hall to the spare room.  Suddenly understanding why your Mama used to do the same damn thing.

Dear Hubby, I adore you, but this weekend, we’re going shopping for a white noise machine.

Mwah

**PS This post is SassyHubby approved

    • Comments

    1. I am the snorer, I dont have to worry about waking anyone but my dogs and cat. My lab actually leaves the room sometime during the night I think that might be the reason.

    5. I don’t know if I agree with you because I think a good strong throat punch sounds really good to me but I guess just me but I also wake him up and say roll over or I’ll push you out of the bed. I guess I’m a more violent person. When all was said and done my husband finally started sleeping in the spare bedroom because I couldn’t take anymore sleepless nights.

    7. Been there, done that! It certainly isn’t easy, but luckily these days I pass out quicker than he does

    8. Hilarious…but not really because I have totally been there and it SUCKS getting chased out of bed!!
      Nothing works although supposedly a person can get used to anything….from experience…didn’t happen for me!