Oh it’s that time again, time to get some things off my chest the way I do best, with some remarkably cowardly, yet passive aggressive letters from the Suburbs. Have a rant of your own? Feel free to play along! I’d love to hear them, and let’s face it, this is oh so much cheaper than therapy!
Dear Close Parker,
Why? Why I beg of you, when the grocery store has a HUGE parking lot, and there are literally dozens upon dozens of empty parking spots all over the lot, must you park your ugo giant rusted out and over sized Pickup Truck next to me?? Does my family car give off some kind of domestic aroma that is so intoxicating you simply must be near me? Perhaps it’s the wadded up Kleenex and crushed juice boxes littering the back seat that you find so damned magnetic. Well I have news for you….if you can see what is inside my car, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE. I am NOT a good parker, that is why my giant a$$ SUV is at the back of the lot to begin with, so just, get away from me!
Signed,
Very Claustrophobic Feeling Mama In The Suburbs
Dear Seniorish Dude In The Convertible,
I have a newsflash for you. It’s October! It’s barely 8 degrees outside, and there is a very good chance is will snow tonight. It is freakin cold. So when you pull up next to me with your music blaring and your top down pretending it’s another balmy sunny day, well you’re not fooling anyone! The thing is, when you have your “top down” we can see inside your car. Therefore all of us can actually see that your coat is buttoned all the way to the top, that the heat is blowing full blast from every vent, and that your knuckles are white To put this simply, it is too cold to have your top down and you look like an idiot! Even if it’s a brand new car, do yourself a favour and put the top up. Spring is only seven cold months away.
Signed,
The Mama Laughing At You From Her Very Warm SUV
Dear Family That I Love,
For the love of all that is good in this world, I am begging you, please stop putting your stuff on top of my kitchen counter. I had no idea a solid piece of fakeo granite could actually be a magnet to crap. A “crap” magnet if you will! Oh and while I’m at it, pick up your socks, put your dishes IN the dishwasher, hang up your wet towels and replace the empty toilet paper rolls.
If I went on strike, this house would be like an episode of Hoarders.
Sigh that feels better.
Signed,
This Mama Is Not A Maid
Don’t miss my amazing $15o Shoppers Drug Mart Giveaway! Enter here!
I am astonished at the level of slovenliness my children can attain. It’s a marvel.
Ahaha! You, my dear, are the awesomest ranter I have ever met. Thanks for putting yet another smile on my face. See you in a few days!
How about, all the men in my house, could you please put the toilet seat down in the night so that when my late 40’s body needs a 3am bathroom break, I don’t slide into the toilet bowl and suffer a herniated disk? On the contrary, could you not put the lid down in the night, that way I don’t sit on the lid….and well you know the rest of the story!!
I second your notes, I lays park miles way only to ome out and find someone near me. Why is that?
OMG!!!! Can I please send the last note to my family. I don’t even want to think about how many times a day I clean crap off the kitchen counter and island. Crap magnet is right!