Passive Aggressive Letters From The Burbs

Oh it’s that time again, time to get some things off my chest the way I do best, with some remarkably cowardly, yet passive aggressive letters from the Suburbs.  Have a rant of your own?  Feel free to play along!  I’d love to hear them, and let’s face it, this is oh so much cheaper than therapy!

 

Dear Close Parker,

Why? Why I beg of you, when the grocery store has a HUGE parking lot, and there are literally dozens upon dozens of empty parking spots all over the lot, must you park your ugo giant rusted out and over sized Pickup Truck next to me??  Does my family car give off some kind of domestic aroma that is so intoxicating you simply must be near me?  Perhaps it’s the wadded up Kleenex and crushed juice boxes littering the back seat that you find so damned magnetic.  Well I have news for you….if you can see what is inside my car, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE.  I am NOT a good parker, that is why my giant a$$ SUV is at the back of the lot to begin with, so just, get away from me!

Signed,

Very Claustrophobic Feeling Mama In The Suburbs

 

Dear Seniorish Dude In The Convertible,

I have a newsflash for you. It’s October!  It’s barely 8 degrees outside, and there is a very good chance is will snow tonight.  It is freakin cold.  So when you pull up next to me with your music blaring and your top down pretending it’s another balmy sunny day, well you’re not fooling anyone!  The thing is, when you have your “top down”  we can see inside your car.  Therefore all of us can actually see that your coat is buttoned all the way to the top, that the heat is blowing full blast from every vent, and that your knuckles are white  To put this simply, it is too cold to have your top down and you look like an idiot!  Even if it’s a brand new car, do yourself a favour and put the top up.    Spring is only seven cold months away.

Signed,

The Mama Laughing At You From Her Very Warm SUV

 

Dear Family That I Love,

For the love of all that is good in this world, I am begging you, please stop putting your stuff on top of my kitchen counter.  I had no idea a solid piece of fakeo granite could actually be a magnet to crap.  A “crap” magnet if you will!  Oh and while I’m at it, pick up your socks, put your dishes IN the dishwasher, hang up your wet towels and replace the empty toilet paper rolls. 

If I went on strike, this house would be like an episode of Hoarders.

Sigh that feels better. 

Signed,

This Mama Is Not A Maid

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Comments

  1. haha that last one could be written by my wife…matter of fact i think i have read that letter before…smiles.

  2. Dear neighbors,

    I’m so glad you’ve opened your home to various random family members. However I’m tired of my street looking like a bad used car lot. Please move your halfway house elsewhere. Thanks.

    Isn’t living in the burbs great!?!

  3. I have one for you….dear people that dont have the best hygiene, When you know you are going to be in a small/confined place, please shower. I can smell dirty hair a mile away. Have a good weekend Stephanie!

  4. I know exactly what you mean – ANY flat surface in this house is a crap magnet.

  5. LOL let it out, girl!

  6. Uh oh, my fakeo granite counter is full of crap and our children are all gone…….yikes, I could write that letter to myself!

    Love these passive aggressive letters!

  7. Those are great letters. Thanks for the laughs. I swear when we go to the show and we are the only people there, why do people sit right behind us or very close to where we are?

  8. Thanks for writing my passive aggressive letters for me. Saves me time to only have to copy and past these. Could not have said it better myself. I feel particularly in your face aggressive to the Park to Closer. Add to that the I didn’t return my shopping cart guy who leaves it there to scratch my car. Bet it is Mr Park To Close’s brother!!!

  9. And have you experienced not being able to park because a vehicle occupied nearly two parking spaces? It’s definitely UGH!!!

  10. Oh, I so hear ya’ on that last one!! Since I went back to work, I’ve been picking up after the rest of the family a lot less – and you should see the results!! Can you say “bomb went off”?!

  11. OMG, I completely agree with this post! Another one is when I’m one of three people on the bus… There are dozens of empty seats and you have to park your behind cozily beside mine?!?!

  12. Tell Convertible Man to come down to Florida….it’s not even fall here yet. LOL

  13. Dear College Student Neighbors,
    We understand your need to let off steam from the stress of college life by having loud, obnoxious parties five nights of the week. It might have been a long time ago, but we’ve been there. However,we would appreciate you keeping your beer bottles, cans and red solo cups out of our yard. Our home is NOT a dumpster, thank you very much.

    Sincerely,
    Your 30-something neighbors

    Ahh…that DOES feel better!

  14. Dear Sweet Husband, Thank you for cooking dinner tonight, but please learn to cook for 5 people and not 15. I am tired of eating the leftovers for lunch the next day and the next and the next, and forcing it on your children all week. I especially hate throwing substancial amounts in the trash at the end of the week.

    Does that qualify? 🙂

    ps. My kids eat like birds.

    I like your 3 letters. I can relate to them all. You’re good at the passive agressive thing. 🙂

  15. You had me at close parker and then crap magnet on counters; is the story of my life.
    How about shoes all over the place? I don’t know why my people have closets….the shoes NEVER make it there!

  16. OMG!!!! Can I please send the last note to my family. I don’t even want to think about how many times a day I clean crap off the kitchen counter and island. Crap magnet is right!

  17. I second your notes, I lays park miles way only to ome out and find someone near me. Why is that?

  18. How about, all the men in my house, could you please put the toilet seat down in the night so that when my late 40’s body needs a 3am bathroom break, I don’t slide into the toilet bowl and suffer a herniated disk? On the contrary, could you not put the lid down in the night, that way I don’t sit on the lid….and well you know the rest of the story!!

  19. Ahaha! You, my dear, are the awesomest ranter I have ever met. Thanks for putting yet another smile on my face. See you in a few days!

  20. I am astonished at the level of slovenliness my children can attain. It’s a marvel.

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