At What Point Can You Tell A Half Naked Stranger To SHUT UP!

Today, I did one of the hardest and most dreaded thing us women are forced to do.  I went bathing suit shopping.  Shiver.

There really is no way to prepare for such a shopping trip.  It’s kind of like stripping off a band-aid, you just have to dig in there and rip it off as fast as you can.  You know the experience is going to be unpleasant, but girl, it has to be done.

So I steeled myself for the torture shopping trip, grabbed my credit card and dove in.  After perusing the biggest bathing suit store in the mall, I snagged about 12 suits that I figured I had a shot at (playing the odds) and headed to the torture chambers change rooms. 

Bathing suit number one.  Hideous.

*doors slamming in the background

Bathing suit number two.  Hmm, not so bad.

Miss Miss” I hear being yelled in an aggravatingly loud voice “What do you think of THIS one?”

Bathing suit number three.  Puke.

Miss can you do this bathing suit top up for me?  Do you think my boobs look good in this one or were they better in the other one?” 

Wait, what the HECK is going on outside these change room doors?  I’m now stifling a giggle.  What kind of adult woman asks for help doing up what is essentially a bra top and then wants an opinion on her boobs???  From a stranger!

Bathing suit number four.  Maybe?  A maybe is good!

What do my boobs look like from behind?  Is there any hanging out the back?  Do you think this D cup is big enough?” 

Gee…attention seeking much?

Hmmm.  I just don’t know”  Back and forth, back and forth clacking heels up and down the hall.  Yes HEELS as she is trying on bathing suits,  doing little pirouettes outside my change room door.  Begging for other women to look at her boobs, do up her bathing suits for her and in general just tell her she is all that and a bag of chips.

Seriously.  Gag!

My choices at this point were either to lose it and giggle uncontrollably at her desperate child like behaviour, go out there and give her boobs a big old squeeze and tell her they were just perfect spilling out of that D cup bathing suit,  or completely lose my stuff and tell her to SHUT UP!! 

Oh I so wish I was that Shut up girl.  Sadly I am not.  For the next 30 minutes I kept trying on suit after suit, listening to the attention seeking girl strut herself, begging onlookers to give her some love.   Finally I can not take it anymore and…I let out a very decidedly unfeminine giggle…complete with snort.  I whisper a hasty and muffled “Excuse Me”  Grab my “Maybe suit” and get the hell out of there! 

As I attempt to pay for my teeny piece of cloth, the credit card machine hangs.  A sign?  I leave the store and go buy a Cinnabon to reward myself for all my hard work.  Don’t judge. 

Almost half an hour later I return and pay for my “Maybe Suit”.  Can’t let that bad boy get away.  When you find a maybe suit you hang on to it!

As the clerk rings me up what do I hear echoing from the back “Maybe my Boobs would look better in the red triangle top”.

SNORT!

Oh sweet attention seeking lady….thanks for making bathing suit shopping just a little less painful. 

Mwah



Comments

  1. You got some free entertain to go along with the swimsuit shopping.

  2. That’s hilarious… how annoying! And you have nothing to worry about, you know – I bet your maybe suit is a HELL,YES suit once you’re wearing it in FLA!

  3. oh that’s funny! Poor lady, clearly she has no self esteem (and fake boobs).

  4. Darlin, from the person who has the simply best (or most easily defeated) significant other EVER…he clasps and unclasps my bra frequently, and has offered to go bra shopping with me…knowing full well that with my back the way it is, I can’t do it myself…I would have taken pity. That being said, the last swimsuit I bought was in 2007. And when I sleep in after he leaves for work, I fasten my bra around my knees and tug upward until I can get my arms through the straps. Just picture attention seeking lady going through my morning routine.

  5. Oh my gosh, so annoying! I found a bathing suit that’s actually flattering a couple years ago and I’m hoping it will never wear out so I can never go shopping for one again!

  6. I can not believe it is almost time for that…bathing suit shopping. What a nightmare!

  7. I admire your courage, as I have yet to pull out my bathing suits for a trip in two weeks. All winter with barely any exercise has made me a replica of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The last time I went bathing suit shopping I was the “talky” one, muttering things like “when did THAT happen?!”. It wasn’t pretty.
    This was a great post, thanks for the motivation to go pull out my suits. 🙂

  8. haha i totally would have lost it….

  9. FunnyFunny!!1

  10. Thanks for the Friday morning laugh. I was snorting right along with you.

  11. I prefer to order a bunch and then send them back until I find one I like! 🙂

  12. HAHA!!:) Oh dear…:)

  13. wowza. sounds like you had a ‘fun’ time! *eyeroll*

    and seriously i’ve just tried to put my thoughts down on this like 5x..i keep typing and erasing..

    i’ll just keep it at ‘wow’ *blink blink*

  14. Wow! Holy cow that lady was crazy! I couldn’t have said anything either but I sure would have been thinking things.

  15. How to make a horrible activity even more horrible! I’m glad you found one on your first day out:)

  16. I would have been cracking up! LOL

  17. LOL! Glad you found a maybe.

  18. I broke out in hives just thinking about buying a bathing suit.
    I would have shanked the skinny girl with big boobs.

  19. Oh too funny! And yeah, I’ve broken out into a cold sweat just thinking about trying on a bathing suit!

  20. Oh my god, I am outdone by that story. I would not have been able to tell her to shut up either but I don’t think I would have been able to leave without seeing what this sad, crazy women looked like! Maybe just me. Eye of the tiger for going swim suit shopping already, hope your “maybe” suit is a winner!

  21. haha I have so many kids I am used to tuning out I would not have even heard her!!
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

  22. Just wait til those babies sag…..then she won’t be all attention seeking.

  23. Ugh, I hate women like that.

  24. That would have driven me crazy, but I wouldn’t have said anything either. I detest bathing suit shopping… the Land’s End catalog showed up yesterday and I’m so tempted to go with my usual knee-to-nose skirted tankini, but I lost that darn weight and really should go get something else this year!

  25. Oh merciful heavens! A maybe suit has me laughing my butt off. But the woman with high heels in a swimsuit asking about her boobs. Geez you know I think I actually met her in Jamaica, when we were on a family trip and she was trying to pick up every available drunken tourist she could see.

    Have a fabulous trip you!

    Paula

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