Dreading Specky The Speculum

I can feel it already.  Tomorrow is going to be one of those days.  It’s the annual event all women dread, we put it off and yet we know we simply must do it.  It’s the annual physical.  (uh note to the men folk who read my blog, you might want to just move along now, this post is not for you)

Tomorrow morning I will shower as if I am getting ready for a date where I know I’m going to get some uhhhh attention?  I will shave, lather and be sure I am extra super squeaky clean.  Why?  Not because I am looking forward to some “come hither” time with someone I love, but because I have a date with the cold hard invasive claw that is known as the speculum.  Frankly, this kind of date sucks!

It’s not just the little blue sheet, the humiliating weigh in, the making small talk with a kindly Doctor as she examines your privates, the boob check…it’s the dread that builds up to this day!

It’s trying to figure out which socks weigh the very least (every ounce counts on those scales). Which underwear and bra are “Doctor” appropriate, and for this self confessed hypochondriac it’s talking myself off the preverbal ledge.  What if she finds something?  What if these constant headaches are more then just headaches?  What if the gnawing ache in my stomach is more then the “simple” ulcer I have decided it is and my well meaning Doctor scares the crap out of me with a litany of tests.  Oh she does like to order tests. 

Sigh.  Stupid to worry, worse to complain about having access to health care. 

Perhaps tomorrow I will get lucky. Maybe Specky the Speculum will be warmed up and waiting for me under a heat lamp, maybe it will be quick and painless, maybe I will weigh less then I think I do, maybe she will prescribe an anti-biotic for my “oh so simple to diagnose stomach ache” and all this worrying will be for naught.  Maybe. 

A girl can dream right.  Sometimes being a women is so much more complicated then it seems. 


  1. My doctor actually DOES warm up the speculum 🙂 He’s seriously the most awesome gynecologist I’ve ever met.

  2. i hope that all goes well tomorrow…

  3. Hope all goes well. We sure do know what you are talking about!

  4. I just had an internal in December and the dr. did run warm water over it first. That was kind.

    Good luck, it is def. the lead up to the appointment which is the hardest part. Go ahead and grab yourself a treat after it’s over.

  5. invasive claw? You got that one right! I’ll never be able to visit my gyno without thinking the speculum is named Specky now. Thanks for that!
    I hope all goes well with your check up.
    At the same time, I’ll be getting my third mammo in 12 months! NOT fun either.

  6. UGH!!! I go in 3 wks!! 🙁

  7. You’ll be fine. :). But always good to be prepared.

  8. The dreaded physical, how we hate it! I’m due in the summer, oh joy!

  9. Ugh, I’ve been poked/proded more times this last year and half that Specky is my bitch. =)

    However, last week I didn’t realize I was getting checked and didn’t feel so fresh and clean…thought it was just a belly check. Ugh.

    Good luck today, I’ll be thinking of you.

  10. You couldn’t have said it better. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Best to you!

  11. Aww, yes, the dready speculum – I hate that time of the year. Maybe that is why I have been putting it off – better go and make my date with Specky 🙁
    Good luck tomorrow!

  12. I would rather get 100 speculum exams than one dentist visit.

  13. I just visited Specky a few days ago. Luckily the doc had her warming in a bowl of hot water.

    I must admit tho, as horrible as the visit is….the time by myself is worth it…the break from home and then a designer coffee afterwards.

    Good luck….I’m sure you’re fine.

  14. I am definitely less afraid of this visit after popping 3 kids out I my woohah. The anxiety used to be something terrible!!! You will be fine, just fine. Now I need to talk myself into getting an annual with a standard practitioner. I only do my girly doc, never a general check-up. Oops! Now the panic starts all over again.

  15. Yeah, it’s pretty much my least favourite thing to do, too… good luck, Steph. xo

  16. I dread that day too!

  17. You know what I’d do?
    Send myself flowers to the doctors office so it could feel like a real date.
    I’m just kinda crazy that way.

  18. Yep, least favorite day.

    I found an office that was only a GYN and loved it. They had NO paper in the office. Like real gowns and real sheets. And, the speculum was the perfect temperature. It was like a date. You’ve got to find a place like that.

    However, yes, still awkward with the small talk, the looking at your who-haw and the fondling of the boobs.

  19. Love it, your so funny! I always refuse to be weighed.

  20. You’ve made me feel guilty as I haven’t been in 3 years. I know, I’m a bad girl.

  21. I have the hardest time getting in for the simplest things (strange rash that lasted for months – ehhh, it can wait) but that? Usually, I take care of it and get it out of the way immediately; but boy do I hate it.

  22. I agree with an above commenter. You deserve a treat after!

  23. I remember on my 25th birthday I had scheduled that appointment on my actual birthday… good planning…never made THAT mistake again!

  24. I do not like those days either.. I hope you made it through it. Here are Late hugs..

  25. I loathe the appointments. When I was younger I used to have to drink a wine cooler before hand to relax enough to be able to walk through the door. I no longer have to drink, but a valium would be nice.

  26. Oh girl, you have nooooooo idea. I hate Specky too, and yet following my miscarriage I have had regular dates. Long dates. Where I have to try to breathe through to relax and not clench up. oooouch. And a month later, still bleeding, which means more tests to come.

    May tomorrow be quick with nothing much to write about. May all your tests be normal, and may you dance your way til next year’s appointment.

  27. Oh yes… this one trumps the dentist. Hope this years went as well as can be.

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