How To Be A Criminal In The Suburbs

My Hubby has been away for the better part of the week.  I’m not ashamed to admit this has made me a little extra tired, perhaps a tad more frazzled than usual.  My hat is off to single mothers everywhere. Looking after two girls, a house, a dog, a cat and everything in between all by myself?  This is no easy task.  The extra coffee was not keeping me going.

I had just finished dropping off BlueEyes at gymnastics and SweetGirl at dance.  A less then thrilling 1 1/2 hour round trip event on a gloomy rainy afternoon.  Pulled into my driveway and was ready to enjoy my first few minutes of down time all week.  Stuck my key in the door and shake, shake.  Wiggle, wiggle.  Huh?  No matter WHAT I did, that house key was not going to open the front door.  A small curse may have escaped my lips.  You see, for weeks I have been complaining to Hubby that the front door lock was on the super sticky side.  Something was not quite right with that old lock. Now here I was, standing outside in the rain locked out of my very own house! Oh, and did I mention, I really had to pee?  Darn Grande Chi Tea Latte! 

Not easily defeated, I did what any self sufficient Mama in my circumstances would do. Texted my man.  “Great. The door is stuck and I’m locked out. Thanks a LOT”.  You know, because this healthy kind of passive aggressive behaviour will get him to appear out of thin air from Chicago and save me.  I then took a deep breather and started my search of the perimeter. 

Made it around the back of the house, rattling doors and shaking windows on the way.  Why oh why had I chosen to wear my gorgeous fashion before function boots?  Dodged dog poop why had this not been cleaned up, through puddles, to the elusive back door.  Locked.  Damn!  My big old black lab was excited to see me through the windows. I usually find her ridiculous tail wagging endearing, at that moment her tail wagging and greeting was just annoying.  Seriously, if she wasn’t going to be helpful and open the door she needed to stop with the damn tail wagging and barking.

Back to the car to re-group.

Really have to pee now.

Ahh the garage door.  Nope.  Broken. More cursing of Hubby’s name under my breath.  How has he not fixed this!

Then out of the corner of my eye, a silver glint.  My daughters protractor sticking out of her backpack.  I know MacGyver could do something with this.

Back out to the house where there was one front window slightly ajar.  I took that protractor and started plucking at the window screen.  Made myself a little hole big enough to get my fingers through.  Did this in three different places and this Mama popped the screen out! HA!  Feeling like a super criminal, I easily reached my hand in and rolled open the window. Began to hoist myself up and through that window and paused for the briefest of moments.  What if my arse doesn’t fit??  Sent up a little prayer.  Oh please don’t let me get stuck in this window with a very full bladder and my butt sticking out to the curb for all the neighbours to see.  That is not a 911 call I want to have made. 

I wriggled, I huffed, got scratched realized how out of shaped I was and hoped against hope the neighbours weren’t looking and that my underwear was sticking out of my low rise jeans, cursed, and then I was in!  Victory. I broke into my own house.

Small victory.  Time to pee and then had to go and pick up my daughters.

The moral of my story, if your locks start to stick, don’t ignore them.  Oh, and never underestimate the power of a women armed with a full bladder and a protractor. 


  1. Hilarious! This is totally something that would happen to me. Except I would probably pee in my pants and then have to call a locksmith. Shame.

  2. Good job. The kids and I got locked out once. I was able to push in a window screen and then I hoisted one up through a window. They thought it was the coolest thing ever.

  3. So funny, glad you got in. You are definitely more resourceful than I am! 🙂

  4. woohoo good job getting in the house…ha…you done well…somewhere along the way i learned how to card doors and that has come in surprisingly handy….

  5. LOL I would have been pretty cranky with my hubby too!

  6. Hah! Great post! 🙂

  7. Nice Monday morning giggle for me! I am so glad you didn’t pee your pants!

  8. OH no! LOL! I only sort of wish this was all being secretly recorded somehow… I tease, I tease! This sort of thing has happened to me before. I get all nuts on my hubs, too. Angry texting at its best! 😉

  9. I totally old have texted my husband a message just like that. Glad you didn’t get stuck!

  10. I do that texting too, he doesn’t appreciate it much. I am glad you were able to get in. So sorry about that. I hate when shit like this happens!!!!

  11. Ha ha…so funny! I get bummed when I can’t break into my own house (’cause I lock myself out all the time) but then feel relieved that my home is secure! Hope it gets fixed soon!

  12. Have been in that position more than once, sad to say. You handled it MUCH better than I did!

  13. You totally missed your calling! Just think about the life of crime you could have been leading!

  14. Like a scene from a comedy, but I’ll bet you’re glad there was no camera crew around 🙂

  15. I tried to comment yesterday but my work computer was being a brat! =) Hilarious! Thx for stopping by my little space, have a great day!

  16. What a successful break-in! Thank goodness for your daughter’s protractor!

  17. Boo for sticky locks but it did make a damn hilarious post. Worth it maybe just a teensy bit!

  18. LOL. Great post! Funny how the most frustrating things can make for great stories later on when we’re not as pissed off. 🙂 Way to be resourceful with the protractor! That is totally MacGyver. Awesome!

  19. She’s a smooth criminal…

    Also, I had a crush on Richard Dean Anderson. I think I videotaped every episode of MacGyver. I especially loved the episodes with the evil Murdoch.

    PS. You labelled this post “FAT BUTTS?” You kill me!

  20. You got a very interesting blog post out of it, though! 🙂

    I was locked out once: lost my key, flatmates were away, came back from a ball at around 2-ish. Called emergency hotline on my credit card, but was informed that locksmiths won’t be open for business until earliest 7am! My friend and I –in our ballgowns, went to an all-night very local coffee shop to chew the breeze until 6am, enduring the stares of the other patrons.

  21. Impressive!

  22. So does this mean we now get to call you Mcgyvette?

  23. Well thank goodness you got in and could go to the bathroom. It’s times like those that I always instantly have to go to the bathroom! lol

  24. Glad you made it inside. And if that were my hubby he would pay DEARLY!

  25. HOWLING with laughter over your FAT BUTTS label!

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