How To Talk Sex In The Suburbs

Turns out I am a super cool Mom.  Yep. Totally tooting my own horn saying tooting does not take away from my cool factor

Driving home from a chiropractor appointment with my 12 year old dear daughter (captive audience) yesterday and I slyly mention that I know of a girl in grade 8, yes an almost 14 year old girl, who is pregnant. Sigh.  So hard.

BlueEyed Girls eyes just about bugged out of her head. 

I stayed cool, looked into those little precious little bugged out eyes and masterfully manipulated the conversation.  (Huh, maybe this is why we learn to manipulate boys? So we can keep up with our pre-teens??)  We talked about  how sex is a healthy thing…when you are old enough, when you are ready.  I asked her what she thought about a 14 year old having a baby?  Did she think that little girl should keep the baby?  How would she manage on her own?  Did she think that 14 year old girl was ready or able to be a good Mommy?  What could that girl have done differently?  I didn’t pepper her with questions, it was an honest to goodness conversation between us girls.

We had a bit of a giggle at my Mom’s expense (sorry if you ever read this Mom) when I told her that my Mom couldn’t even say the word Penis or Vagina without a bit of a blush or dropping down to a hushed tone.  Like these are dirty words?  Times have changed baby!  I made sure my wee one knew she could come to me with anything. (patting myself on the back again)

It nearly killed me, but we made a plan. When she is ready (PLEASE let it be like 10 years from now), she is to come to me, I will not judge or scold or cry when she is looking .  I will get her on the pill, she will know about safe sex, being empowered, she will be ready.  I think/hope she heard me.  This won’t be the last time I open up this  can of worms dialogue. 

The calm cool collected part of  my brain was thinking “You go Mama.  Well done.  Communication!!”  The panicked, overprotective, so not ready for any of this stuff, part of my head was screaming “How do kids not come with a manual?  O M Geeeeeeeeee!  Where did my baby go?” 

This my friends is what is really going on in the suburbs.  Fun right?  It’s going to be a wild ride.



Comments

  1. I think you handled that really well! My mom was the same way, never said a word except… don’t do it. It didn’t help me at all. It’s a normal thing that’s going to happen whether a parent wants it to or not.

    Good Job!

  2. That is unfortunate. The pregnant teen part but it happens all the time. Yay for you for addressing that so openly with your daughter.
    Times are definitely different.
    Did you know that some girls get their periods in 2nd grade? Second grade for Christ’s Sakes! I’m pretty sure in second grade tampons were not on my mind.

  3. Good job, Modern Mom!

    I tried having a semi-sex talk with my 12-year old son last year because he was learning about it in school. All I wanted to know was what they were teaching him.

    Well, it didn’t go as well.

    He picked up his dinner plate and went in the other room to eat. He wanted nothing to do with my questions.

    I definitely need that manual.

  4. good job talking about it…too many wait thinking they got plenty of time and then…

  5. I have had these convos too. I hate them. wish my babies could stay babies forever.

  6. It’s good to stay open about that sort of thing. Although my kids and I never had ‘the talk’ persay. One went on the pill for ‘medical’ reasons, lol, as her body was all over the place. The other, I drove to get on the pill. Fortunately, I’ve made it past the 21 yo mark….sadly..lol…my baby is almost 23 and just told me she was having a baby. So, it’s mixed emotions here LOL.

  7. It’s not an easy one is it. Such a young age and their whole lives ahead, seems a real shame. But it happens and I guess we shouldn’t shield our children away from reality. I do hope though, that my daughter who is now 11, will either never have kids or wait until she’s at least in her 20’s.

    CJ xx

  8. I have two girls 4 1/2 and 2 1/2, and at some point soon, I know we’ll be having this conversation. Keep your tips coming 🙂

  9. 14 is so young. Good for you for talking about things most people want to ignore.

  10. Good job! You handled that with class!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

  11. I think you did a great job. As someone who has worked with at-risk youth for over 12 years, I think The Talk should happen at 8!

  12. That’s great that she knows she can come to you about it!

  13. Good for you! I dread having to talk to little man — can I just send him your way??? 🙂

  14. You, my friend, are a VERY cool (and smart) mom. Starting that dialog and keeping the lines of communication open are probably the best thing you could possibly do as a mom!

  15. I find with my 12 year old boy that talking about sex through an example of someone else’s situation makes it an acceptable conversation and he’s totally okay with giving me his thoughts on the situation. If it’s presented as a “sex talk” he runs and hides. It’s all in the approach. You are a very smart mommy!
    xo Carol

  16. yes, a wild ride but at least you guys have a plan and she will talk to you.. Great job on handling it..

  17. Wow, not looking forward to that chat, but you’re right – times have changed & it’s great to have an open dialogue with them about everything. Great job! 🙂

  18. That’s awesome. Keeping communication open and not being afraid of talking about things in an honest, respectful way is being a really, really good mom.

    🙂

  19. My daughter is turning 6 next month. I’m still wondering when to explain the particulars of it all to her.

    One of my classmates was the pregnant 14 year old when I was in school. She kept the baby and it is now 16 years old. I think about that a lot, being my age and having a kid that’s driving. It’s definitely worth any discomfort that talk causes.

  20. When I first read the title of your post, I thought you meant how to talk with your man. (Of course, you talk sex with your man in hushed tones with the shower running so the kids don’t think you do the nasty ever)

    But I practically put birth control pills in Sheldons breakfast cereal when she was 16 and we all lived.

  21. I have always been one of those brutally honest, don’t sugar coat anything kind of parents. I wanted my children educated from me, not their friends who don’t really know anything. I started talking to them about sex, drugs, drinking what ever when they were 9. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I wanted them to be well informed and know the consequences and possibilities of those actions.

  22. I tried to talk with my daughter who just turned 11, but she was so not ready. I guess that is kind of good.
    I am so afraid of my daughter being alone at a friend’s house. Not because she is alone, but I am worried about those neighborhood boys sneaking over and experimenting amongst friends starting. Be still my heart. That is life in the suburbs.

  23. Good for you! I’m all about talking sex with my kids & have always answered the questions honestyly in an age appropriate manner. This is one part that I don’t want to skimp on.

  24. I am so scared for when my son reaches this age. Hope I can confront it even half as well as you did.

  25. You are the coolest mom ever. I think it’s excellent to have these open, honest talks with our kids. She’s way more likely to come to you now, knowing you’re okay to talk to her without freaking out. I plan on having the same open relationship with my boys as they grow up.

  26. Oy! Good job mama. I had this talk with my 12 year old son (I was afraid of how dad would do it!!) and he looked at me like I was a freak. I told him about sex, how it works, how it’s b/t 2 people that love each other…yadda, yadda, yadda. But he was mortified, thought I was disgusting, and couldn’t look at me. I think I failed. We may or may not have to have that converstaion again….this time with wine!

  27. and then there is the flip side…where my 15 year old BIL and his GF were pregnant. My niece (whom I adore) is wonderful. I am so proud of my in laws for helping the rest of their small community realize the difficulties for young parents by making baby a “matching” prom dress to mommy’s and posting the pics, buying and furnishing them a house, and taking care of all the messy issues involved with parenting.
    My niece runs around at high school basketball games, smiling, laughing and having a great time, while the other HS girls watch.
    I understand these things happen, and I wish more were like you. I feel like my niece is a “glammed” version of parenthood, and actually makes others think it is easy, fun, and a great way to gain attention.

  28. Good for you!! I am sure it’s not easy, but what a great way to get into a convo. My kids are young, but I am trying to keep things open, answering them when they ask hard questions (I try to keep everything age appropriate) and using appropriate words (like penis and vagina). Maybe by the time I am at the stage you are, I will be more at ease (growing up we NEVER talked about s-e-x, lol).

  29. My 12 yr-old son comes home everyday with questions…
    It is scary times!

  30. Good for you! It is so important for parents to have these conversation with their children before they hear it from somewhere else. The worst sound ever was when I was teaching a grade 5 sex ed class and heard a gasp from one of the kids. I do not want to be the one who brings this stuff up first.

  31. Or you could have just hired the stork to do the talking.

    Sheesh!

    😀

  32. I’m ashamed to say I can’t say the words penis or vagina. It’s bum-bum (butt) and area or in french zizi and zizette. I just can’t say it. blush!

    WhatamIgonnadooooo?

  33. and i happen to think..
    as a mom…
    you pretty much rock!!!

    those girls of yours are seriously lucky to have you!!!

  34. Holy Crap. Look at all the comments. Sex in the suburbs is a hot topic lady. This is an awesome post and you handled that well. 12 huh? Some conversations are hard. I have a young one (9) who will be an early bloomer if you know what I mean and she is so not ready. But we talk about this stuff already and we have an open door policy too, so part of it is just listening and picking up the threads. Good job. I know my mother handed me a book, I think. Jeez. My kids says penis and vagina like commonplace words and have from the time they could talk. My fave embarrassing moment was daughter at age 7 telling my mom on the phone about the reproductive cycle of guinea pigs)She was doing a project in French and social science at school and she said” And then the sperm travels to the egg etc.” Oy! I was like eight shades of red and hoping grandma couldn’t actually hear through that ear that day.

    Paula

  35. It sounds like you did a great job with this. I don’t want to deal with the teen years. OMG.

  36. I’m impressed. You did an awesome job talking with her about sex and babies.

  37. good for you! i too have spoken frankly about this topic with my 13 year old son. because of the conversations we’ve had, he feels comfortable approaching his dad or me with any questions he has.

    times have definitely changed for the better.

  38. I have told my 7-year-old that she shouldn’t kiss until she gets a diamond ring. My mom asked me if I really thought that would work, and I told her I’d never know if I didn’t try! 🙂

  39. Well Done! Very brave 🙂 I’m not afraid of these supportive informative conversations. I’m afraid of the “How old were you when…?” questions. Don’t even get me started on trying to explain oral sex. Thankfully Pman is 2 1/2- I have some time…

  40. Well, you did a MILLION times better with the sex talk than I did!! I totally sucked at it.

  41. Oh,the dreaded sex conversations. LOL
    Good job in using the pregnant girl for a “teachable moment.”
    I’m sure you’re on the right road to having many more.

  42. Sounds like you handled that like a pro. And let me COMMEND you on being so open and real about teen pregnancy and sex. Growing up my mom acted like it didn’t happen. Pretended I was a virgin until my wedding night. Times HAVE changed and sex, teen pregnancy and STD’s are a huge thing. Your daughter is lucky to have someone who is open about the realities. Even if you aren’t ready for it. 🙂

  43. can’t imagine discussing this matter to my kids. We have a different culture back home and it’s taboo or pre-marital sex is not encouraged but it is happening.
    I definitely should be ready for this.
    You handled it fine.

  44. Good for you! Sounds like you handled it well. And can’t I just freeze my daughter at 4??

  45. kathy downey says:

    Times are definitely different today than when i raised my kids,if you give them the correct information and the facts they can make better decisions when they are ready.

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