The One Where I Poison My Child

I picked up my girls after school yesterday.  As usual SweetGirl came bouncing out still full of energy and smiling. How does she do that?  BlueEyes followed behind and I knew immediately, something was wrong.  Her face, normally a healthy pink, was white and covered in spots?  WTH? 

I pulled her to the side of the school yard and began a head to toe Mama style inspection..

Does it itch?  Do you feel sick?  Does she have a temperature?  Huh.  No to all of these.  What I did discover?  My 11 year old daughter was covered in hives from the top of her forehead down to the bottom of her neck and on her hands!  I remained calm, on the outside, while a silent stream of profanity rang through my head.  Had there not been one teacher, one staff member, one volunteer who had so much as glanced at my daughter all day today!  How had no one noticed this gorgeous girl was covered in some kind of bright red mystery rash? 

Grabbed my girlfriend, who is also thankfully a nurse, and we quietly and calmly drilled BlueEyes about her general state of health, and any extra snacks her friends may have given her at school.  Nadda.  Nothing new, so what was this rash?  If not hives from some kind of allergic reaction, possibly roseola?  Time to call in the big guns. (Um yes, I am a tad overprotective, it’s how I roll)

I sent BlueEyes to the car and walked behind her, stealthily calling the Paediatrician as I went.  Seriously, what did people do before cell phones.  I love my blackberry.  Anyway, thankfully Doctor Accommodating could see me.  Now. 

The verdict.  Allergic reaction.  To the nickel near the mouthpiece on her water bottle!  Well gee.  The only thing my dear girl has ever shown any kind of reaction too is nickel/metal.  She used to get little rings on her tummy where her newborn skin touched the snaps on her onsies.  Yeah, so I’ve only known about this allergy since she was about a week old.  More recently, cute little cami’s must be worn tucked into her jeans to protect her skin from the metal parts of zippers and buttons.  She is that sensitive.  So why did it never occur to me that this is a child who should never drink from a no-name water bottle with pretty little nickel bits near the mouth piece?  Der cause I’m an idiot. 

How would a kid who LOVES her new water bottle so much that she filled it up 3 times that day NOT have a reaction.   Sigh.

A quick dose of Benadryl and we were on our way.  My dear daughter survived yet another Mama brain fart. 

Eleven years down and how many to go?  Wish us luck. 

PTA Drama, Yep Predictable

Why do people join their kids Parent Teacher Associations?  Well I can’t speak for everyone.  My excuse.  I thought it would be a great way to be involved, lend a hand, oh and I got talked into it.  I have sucker written all over my forehead.  Where was I? Oh yes, well, when I do something I jump in with both feet. Not only did I agree to join this parent group, I agreed to be the Secretary.  What does this mean? Not much except that I take the notes and I can’t quit.  For a whole year.  Sigh.

So we got through the first “Executive” Meeting and it went really well.  There was wine, and it is a really great group of women. (Umm mostly…catty bitching to follow)  We were productive and even managed to have a good laugh or too.  Then, the wheels fell off.  One of these women..she snapped.  There is no other word for it.  She. Snapped.  She is picking fights, sending nasty e-mails, being incredibly rude, making accusations of theft, and generally creating havoc in the suburbs.  Grrr.

Why does there always have to be a bitch in the bunch?  For one fleeting moment I thought all those nasty stories I have heard about PTA’s from hell were nothing but urban legends, sadly, turns out the legends were true.

There is no room in my life for this childish drama.  This backstabbing trouble making level jumping crazy lady has got to go.  Believe it or not it has come down to her or all of us. That is 5 other Mama’s who have had their fill of this Chick. 

Know what I learned?  If you are a super hot head, you can be voted out of the PTA by the other ticked off Mama’s.  Guess who’s being shown the door this week?  Ohhh drama! Evil grin!  I wonder if we will need security?  No seriously.

This weeks lesson from the Suburbs is the same as the golden rule of Kindergarten.  Play nice with your friends, or you won’t have any.  Wish us luck!

*Image courtesy of Chalkwell Hall

Let Them Eat Peanut Butter

The new Kraft Whipped Peanut Butter and Dip to be exact.  I was contacted by the people of Kraft to see if I might be interested in trying their new Whipped Peanut Butter.  Um…peanut butter and this family.  Yep, consumed almost daily.  This was an easy yes. 

As I was mulling over who in the family would be the lucky one to get to experience the new Peanut Butter my Hubby had a brilliant idea.  (It’s rare, but he does have his brilliant moments.)  A Dessert off!  A competition to see which of our four family members could come up with the most creative idea utilizing this fabulous new product.  Competition. Peanut Butter. A chance to kick my Hubby’s butt at something.  It was on. 

We went shopping for some extra fun supplies.

 

Baked up some cookies….

 

and dipped into that new Peanut Butter.

It was light, and airy and spread so easily.  Oh and yes, it was delicious. 

The Dessert Off was on!  The only rule.  We had to include Kraft Whipped as one of the ingredients.  Want to see the results?

Twist on the Classic Smore      ChocoPeanut Butter Volcano

Candy Explosion                      Brownie w/ PeanutButter Icing

Of course then the arguing began about who created the BEST dessert.  ( Dumb because clearly mine was the best) Want to help a girl out and break a four way tie?  Which dessert would you like to see at your kitchen table?

Hint: It doesn’t matter which one you pick because there is always room for SMORE :)

The good news, in the end it didn’t matter who won because we had and incredible time teasing and baking as a family.  Bonus we ended our day full of Peanut Butter goodness.   The better news, there is a new addition to our kitchen Kraft Whipped is as good on toast as it is on desserts.  Try it, you’ll see!

Disclosure: I received this Kraft product in exchange for participating in this program and doing this post. The opinions expressed are my own and are in no way influenced my the receipt of said product.

School Is Costing Me A Fortune

The kids are in school. It's only week two.

I find myself idle.

So what do I do to pass the time?

Shop.

The sales are ridiculous! It's like the stores have been laying in wait for all the emotionally drained my kids are at school and my heart is there too Mama's to wonder like zombies into their waiting and eager clutches.

So far I have fallen victim to:
Guess Jeans with the cutest pockets ever.
A Pretty little T.
Grey Nail Polish.
I still have to find some new boots....shoes/boots always make me feel better. (they always fit)

Am I trying to hang on to my youth with these unneeded purchases or is this just a case of good old fashioned retail therapy. Yeah I know, it's retail therapy at its finest.

Damn, it's expensive when the kids go back to school.

It Takes All Kinds & I Milked A Cow?

Have you ever seen a 17 year old “parent” yelling at their kid to “cut the line” and “dodge to the front” while a lit cigarette dangles from their mouth?  Classy.

Have you ever paid $5.00 for the privilege of having the pants scared off you as you ride in the sky much higher then any human person should be ….with nothing but a few cables keeping you from certain death …on the “Sky Ryder” over 2 miles of packed parking lot turned carney heaven?

Have you ever had to tell your kids it’s not polite to stare…. Yes even if that Mama is taking her baby’s blanket out of his stroller and using it as a shawl to keep herself warm.

Have you ever wondered why you need a license to drive a car but anyone can have a kid?

Then you were probably at the same county fair I was this weekend!  What is it about the fair that brings out the different and the strange?  I witnessed screaming matches, finger wagging and foot stomping….and that was from the so called parental figures. 

On more then one occasion I bit the inside of my cheek so I wouldn’t offer unsolicited advice…like you know, “It’s freakin cold out chic, put your kids sweater and coat on and stop blowing smoke into her precious pink lungs.”  By the end of the night all I could do was giggle and exchange conspiratorial looks with my Hubby. We are far from perfect parents but we do at least try and put the kids safety and needs first.  Sigh. 

In other news, I know at the very least, I gave my girls one good belly laugh on Friday night.  I was pulled from the crowd at the Pig Races to compete for a Dinner for Two.  I had to complete an obstacle course and then milk a cow?  Oh crap. 

Here I am “Blondie” as I was dubbed, getting my instructions, my wheelbarrow and meeting my competition.

Then I milked that cow.  Thank GOODNESS this cow was made of wood.  This girl from the Suburbs does not have any country in her, but I won that contest!  Dinner for 2 was a can of Pork and Beans with a candle taped to the side.  Humiliation complete. 

By the time the night was over we were stuffed with over priced fudge and elephant ears, and our arms were overflowing with a ridiculous number of carnival prizes that all the  good suckers  parents win for their kids.

We came, we laughed, we humiliated the Mom.  We will go back next year and do it all again!  Long live the Fair.

I’ve Been Wearing These

Little earrings from DiamondEarrings.org.

I was approached by the people of Diamond Earrings to see if I would like to try their earrings and then give them a shout out.  Their concept is a simple one.  Go to their site at DiamondEarrings.org , select a pair of earrings, agree to mention their site on your blog or facebook page, and then pay $3.77 for postage and handling.  If you live in the US you can participate.

I was sent a pair of my very own to try and brag about as I see fit.  They arrived in a gorgeous little black box.  You just can’t go wrong with a little black box!  I opened it up and was pleasantly surprised.  Inside was a pair of square simulated-diamond earrings. 

So what is the catch?  How can a place be giving away Diamond Earrings for just the cost of shipping and handling?  Well, obviously they are not real diamonds.  They are however nice delicate diamond style earrings.   I am a girl who has super sensitive ears and was worried that I would end up with inflamed red ears.  Nope, no problem.  These earrings didn’t bother me at all and looked great!   

If you need a great little pair of costume jewellery earrings I wouldn't hesitate to give DiamondEarrings.org a try.

He Deserved It

I love my Hubby, but I just gave him the finger.

We are getting ready for my baby’s birthday party.  This should be easy. Taking 15 girls out for supper and then back to our house for ice-cream cake, present opening, fancy nail painting and dancing dancing dancing.  So why the stress!

Uh. Cat room must be cleaned, house must be vacuumed.  Kitchen crap magent counter must be de-crapified. Loot bags finished, dance floor prepared and on it on it goes.  I have become the Party Mama from hell.  (without all the money and the pony rides) Add to this that dear Hubby is also Sicko Hubby.  He has the sniffles.  When the big man gets sick, he goes down hard.

While we cleaned, I heard the mumbling under his breath…and the mumbling that was not so much under his breath.  It was something very much like “This is the last Birthday Party we are ever having in this house…this is why we take these parties somewhere else!”  Hmph.

It’s just a little cleaning!  You did not marry me for my cleaning skills so there are times in our marriage when you just gotta suck it up babe!  We mumbled at each other for a bit and then I stomped my feet and gave him the finger behind his back.  Not mature, but it did make me feel better.

Anyone who tells you preparing for a little girls birthday party is not stressful is lying through their teeth.

Got to go and get my party on.  Wish me luck!

Running Away

Do you ever feel like …

-telling the school you flat out refuse to fill out the same field trip information form 6 times a year.  They should keep a damn copy.

-packing up every single thing that is in your kids closet and giving it away because the mess is too overwhelming.

-presenting the Doctor with a bill after your visit.  For the hour of your time they just wasted in the waiting room.  Isn’t my time as valuable as theirs?  

-telling your Hubby he can do his own damn laundry. Oh wait I already did that one.

-feeding your kids popcorn for diner because you are too tired to go to the grocery store.

-unplugging every phone and computer in the house so no one can track you down.

-telling that super pushy PTA women to Shut Uppa her face.

Do you ever feel like just packing it all in and running away? Grabbing the kids and the Hubby and escaping to some deserted island.  Yeah, me neither, cause that wouldn’t be normal.  Sigh.  Is it Christmas Vacation yet?   

Advice For The New Girls

I live in a University town.  Every September we get a huge influx of students.  Truth be told it feels like our little city is being taken over by 18 and 19 year olds.  You can almost smell the extra hormones in the air. 

As I watch these babies strut around with their new found freedom I found myself suppressing a quiet scream or twelve.  Usually it starts with…You idiot!

Let me explain.

Young thing.  When you start out the year Yes, it feels like you have the world on the string and nothing can hurt you, this does NOT mean you should get ridiculously drunk downtown and run in and out of traffic without your shirt on.  Sigh.  Your Mama would not be proud.

Little one.  When you go grocery shopping at the beginning of the year, you feel like you have the freedom to go crazy and buy anything and everything you want! The best cuts of meat, brand name everything!  Quick, get that in check, because I guarantee by the end of the year you will be living off of soup and pasta.  Hope you like Kraft Dinner!

You know that kind of geeky guy that you keep shooting down and being just a wee bit rude to?  BIG mistake. One of these days, most likely the night before the biggest assignment of your life is due, that sweet little laptop of yours is going to crash.  You are going to wish you were a little sweeter to Mr. Tech Whiz. 

Oh one more.  A long shirt with a belt.  This does not make it a dress.  Put on some pants. 

You want to survive University life?  It’s easy….use the brains your Mama gave you.

Too Blessed to be Stressed

As I lay in bed last night I was dwelling about the hundred little things that had to be done before Monday!

The laundry from our vacation last week. Don't judge, That's how I roll.

The ever growing list of "must do items" for the PTA I got sucked into. Sigh. Seriously what was I thinking saying yes to this? Every time my blackberry goes ping ping new message I jump. I think I am developing a twitch!

It looks like a small bomb went off in the laundry room.

Don't even get me started on the garage.

Blissdom Canada is fast approaching and I really have not given it a second thought. Must get on clothes shopping and a shoe hunt.

A birthday party for my little one next weekend!

My stupid cat needs to go back to the vet.

A charity event I'm hosting is coming up too quickly. I'm not ready!

The pool is full of leaves..oh I don't want to close it already.

..and then I stopped myself, because I realized I am too blessed to be stressed.

Today I have:

One Happy daughter at Gymnastics.

A second at the Theatre with her sweet little friend.

A hot Starbucks in my hand and a new found addiction to Twitter. Umm yes, I may be stalking you right now to say hello!

Laundry, lists, party planning, PTA, it will get done. It always dones.

Tonight a fire, some hot chocolate and a game of scrabble while my Hubby's is distracted by Football. I confess, it is the only way I can beat him.

I must be getting old because this kind of day, it thrills me to no end.

Did you Know I'm On Twitter?

Yes I joined the little bird. At first I will admit, I didn't get it? Now....it is the biggest time suck of ALL TIME! There are some super crazy intelligent funny people on twitter, and they can crack you up in 140 characters of less! I am doing my best to keep up (read..poking fun at my Hubby and people I see on the street) and meeting some incredible tweeps along the way. See I can speak Twitter now.

So yesterday, the coolest thing happened to me. I found out I was on this list! It's Babble's Top 50 Twitter Mom's. Now I am NOT in the Top 50 and do not ever expect to be, but it is nice to be on the list. Amazing how something like a little "thumbs up" can make your day.
If you are feeling like making me feel all gushy and lovey..head on over there and "like" me. Just sort it alphabetically, I'm @SassyModernMom and on page 3ish? Let me know if I can "like" you back...oh and if we are not chatting on twitter? Why not?

Some Things I Know About Chocolate

There is always room for chocolate.

Need to come up with a quick I’m sorry gift?  Chocolates are always a good start.

Chocolate makes everything taste better.  For goodness sake they put it on everything from hot peppers to crickets!

I wish I had never tried Deep Fried Chocolate Bars.  I dream about their luscious hot gooeyness. 

A moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips?  Worth it.

I have read that in a survey of 100 women asked if they would pick sex or chocolate, most preferred chocolate.  I was not surprised.

I thought I knew everything  there was to know about chocolate and then M &M’s came out with this…

Good grief.  Pretzels INSIDE the m&m goodness?

My family’s response.  It tastes like more.

A light and salty pretzel nougat covered in that beautiful m&m’s taste. Sigh, just one more reason to adore chocolate.

Thanks m&m’s

 

Sponsored Post: I received samples of this new m&m’s product.  The reception of said samples in no way affected my opinion of this product.

Things I’m Not Thinking About During Sex

Yes you read that title right.  Sarcastic?  True?

You decide.

I am not making a grocery list.

I am not trying to figure out if I have anything to put in the kids lunches tomorrow.

I am not trying to remember if I returned that movie on time.

I am not trying to decide if that is a child crying or a dog barking.  Did I lock the door?

I am not trying to think up an excuse to get out of going to that dinner party tomorrow night.

I am not trying to remember the name of that song that is stuck in my head.

I am not worrying about how late it’s getting.

What?  Seriously, what are you not thinking about?

Unless of course I am on vacation, or like super well rested, or been wickedly bribed by …well none of your business, then really, I’m not thinking about it. 

Vacation Revelations

I physically relax the moment I pull into the laneway that leads to this cottage on the lake. Gorgeous sunsets, the tallest of trees.  Cell service?  Sometimes.  My revelation, I’m secretly glad when the cells don’t work.

If you have a sand beach, a bucket plus 2 pails, and two girls, you are set for hours. No other entertainment required. I actually read two books!  Twilight and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. 

I worry too much about what I look like in a bikini.  It became glaringly obvious by the other Hot Mama’s strutting their extra bits of stuff, nobody cares!  I will learn to love my curves and the box of macaroons I rode in on, if it kills me.

Cottages in the woods have been the setting for too many horror flicks.  Dum dum dummm.  Hubby had to work, so I was alone for a couple of nights.  Cue the scary music.  One sleepless evening, I went “Axe Murderer Hunting” at 3am.  With a golf club. Yeah, cause that’s gonna save us.  The mysterious thump and running footsteps that had me holding my breath?  She was a big ole raccoon.  Bitch.

I was a weird kind of proud when I bought my baby this:

Quality beachside reading….. Jonas Brothers, Camp Rock 2.  Gotta start somewhere!  We had some interesting conversations about tampons and break-ups. My girls make me smile.

The Great Lakes smell a wee bit fishy.  This is normal.  If there is some added fishy funk filling your nose LOOK for the floater.  Find it before it finds you.  Shiver and ick.

Winds can kick out of nowhere on these nearly deserted beaches.  So when you look up and see an umbrella hurtling at you at 40 mph …….go ahead and be a girl. Duck and squeal.  Let some beach hunk fulfill his destiny, let him be the hero and chase that bad boy down. 

Vacations may be stressful what with the packing and car rides, overeating (me) and “What’s to eat Mom”(them), but these are the moments my girls will remember forever.

I already can’t wait for next year.   

Little Artist Winner!

I’m back from holidays and truly have 96 things to do, but had to get the winner for this fabulous giveaway from Stortz pulled.  I put all the numbers into the magic Random.org and the winner is # 147!

Congrats to:

leanne_mac said... 147

http://twitter.com/leanne_mac/status/23013956104
i tweeted
leannemac at shaw.ca

You have won yourself a fabulous gift of art products.

I also want to take a moment to thank the generous people of Stortz & Associates. They have been an incredible company to work with.  I highly recommend if you need to find that something special for the little one in your life, you start your search with Stortz!

Stressing about Underarm Hair

Will she be upset if I post this…ummm. Have to think before I press publish.

My baby, my first born, my BlueEyed girl…..has an underarm hair.

Just one…maybe two.

I know it’s there.

I glimpsed it when I was helping her with her hair, and tried to talk to her about it. She claimed it was lint.

Her sister questioned her about it in the lake. Lint doesn’t stick so well in the lake baby. You really aren’t fooling us.

Baby. She is just a baby. (Okay so she is creeping up to 12 but she is my baby so shut up.)

Yet talking to my Mommy friends, a LOT of BlueEyed girl friends have been shaving their little underarms for over a year? WTH!!

So. Here is my question. How do I help this precious baby girl transition from my BlueEyed baby to a GULP pre-teen.

Does a super cool Sassy Mom offer to shave her wee pit, or merely show her how?

I went with the casual mention, followed by the, “these are just one of the things girls who are growing up have to do” comment in my best it’s Sooo not a big deal voice. Then shaved those little pits for her.

She left the bathroom, I closed the door, and leaned heavily on the bathroom sink.

Sigh. Kids should come with a manual.