I Have Hearing Like A Cat

Okay, so I don’t want to get all scientificy on you, but according to my Hearing Specialist Doctor Man and his partner in the white coat, I have “hearing like a cat”.   Really, that is what they said! Apparently this is all kinds of good.

So, great news right?

Until…it’s midnight.

Your Hubby is still on his “work” vacay.

It is blustery and blowy outside.  It is truly winter in Canada.

You own a creaky old dog and a real live creature of the night, the sneaky kitty.

Now my super hearing skills are working against me.

Yes.  I got up because I had to investigate thump #1.  Dog knocked over the recycling bin.

I crept up to the window for crash #2.  Stupid garbage can blew over outside.

I double checked all the locks for the unidentified sound that we shall call kerthunk #3. 

Finally, back in my bed, I reassure myself that no bad guy would stand a chance against an hysterical Mama with the Power of Super Hearing and her trusty Louisville Slugger.  Newly liberated from beneath the lonely King Size bed. 

Eventually I must have drifted off for another restless night of sleep.

I am pathetic.

Only three more sleeps until the Hero Hubby gets home.  Sigh.  Then I can put in some ear plugs and take a nap.  Sleep is overrated anyway.

Don’t tell him I miss him.  K?

The 5 Stages of Hubby’s Going on Another Flipping “Working” Vacation Envy

You know how there are 5 stages of grief. Yeah, well apparently there are also 5 stages of Vacation Envy.

More specifically: “He has gone golfing with 7 other dudes to sunny Florida and left me with two kids, the pets, in the middle of a wicked Canadian blizzard and I am jealous as hell Vacation Envy.”

Stage 1: Denial

Oh No He did NOT plan another “working” vacation and leave me behind to fend for myself. If you recall, I have given up on the women’s lib stuff for a bit. I am perfectly prepared to be looked after for a while.

Stage 2: Anger

How in the hell does he think this qualifies as WORK?? 8 days, 7 rounds of golf, 1 Anaheim Ducks Hockey Game, copious amounts of booze…oh yes three hours at the International Golf Show. Is this work?

Stage 3: Bargaining

Fine. You go ahead. Go on your “work” vacay. But first, I need you to come grocery shopping with me, fix the toilet, bring some wood in and stack it near the fireplace, rub my back, pledge your undying love…you get the idea.

Stage 4: Depression

I don’t do enough for me. He’s gone. He’s getting a tan and going to come home lookin all hot, I’m pasty. Bring on the chocolate. No need to shave my legs today.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Might as well make the most of it. Sushi for 1. Girly movies complete with sobbing. I have a king size bed to myself! Rejoice that my bathroom and kitchen counters stay clean? Paint my toes electric blue and no need to share the popcorn.

All this and when he gets home, I can play the “You left me all alone” guilt card for at least a week.

In a marriage more then 13 years old…this is priceless.

Penguin Luck- Give Away!

Photo Credit kaymupetson.com

Do you believe in Ghosts? Do you live life following your heart while chasing your dreams, or do you do what is expected of you?

Torn between her heart and her head. Doreen Lowe is at a crossroads and tackling some of the biggest decisions of her life. Her head is spinning, should she be listening to her ghosts and fulfilling family obligations or should she carve her own path and find out who she really is? What will she do? What would you do?

Excerpt from Kay Muppetson.com

In the novel Penguin Luck, Doreen Lowe is a young, sophisticated junior associate in a small Manhattan law firm that primarily serves the lower echelons of society. Regularly visited by three ghosts, Doreen is forced to listen to their pleas that she "carry on for them"- after the Holocaust- all while balancing the demands of her career and personal life.

Penguin Luck is a compelling tale about one woman's emotional journey as she learns to cope with a burdensome family history, a trio of determined ghosts, and the power of luck.

Penguin Luck, by Kay Muppetson, will have you feeling for Doreen as she struggles to reconcile the past and the present…the ghosts that haunt her with the future. Doreen may be dealing with ghosts, but she is also struggling with the classic “family obligation”. How much of our lives do we spend living for ourselves, how much of it is given up for others? Doreen’s family, like all of ours is evolving. As the story unfolds we see how the decisions we make influence not only our future but those of our children and those who love us most.

Would you like to own your very own copy of Penguin Luck? Here is your chance to win one!

1. Mandatory Entry. Follow me publicly or tell me you already do.

2. Vote for Me for at "Top Mommy Blogger" by following the link at the top of the page, then come on back and tell me you did. Simple as a click…and can be done every day!

3. Follow me on Twitter @SassyModernMom or tell me that you already do.

4. Give me the “thumbs up” here. ( I am sitting at about number 70 right now). (Yes, I am shamelessly asking for love)

5. Grab my button! It’s cute eh? Tell me where you put it, I love to visit!

6. Blog about this give away and copy me the link. Earn yourself 3 extra entries!

PLEASE…leave separate comments for each entry!

Contest is open to US Residents and closes Tuesday February 2nd.

The winner will be picked by Random.org

Mwah!

* I received product for the sole purpose of reviewing. No monetary compensation was given for this post. The opinions in this post are my honest opinions and have not been influenced by the reception of said product.

Mind Reader Required

When I am standing in my closet, whining that "I have NOTHING to wear". That is really, truly, honestly how I feel. I have been in there for 25 minutes, considered ever possible clothing combination and honest to God can not find one single outfit that does not make me feel like a frumpy ol housewife. (instead of the godess that you married) So don't poke fun or heaven forbid, just walk away from me. HELP ME!! Or hand over that credit card baby and let me do my worst. You don't want to be in the way of a woman who has got her ugly on.


I talk. A LOT. If suddenly, the house is way too quiet. Your spidey senses are right. Something is awry. It is OK to ask your lovely bride if she needs a hug. She will say yes and think you are the best man ever for knowing that a hug makes the day just a little bit easier.

Generally speaking I am a fairly decisive person. If I have declared the cupboard bare. If there is simply "Nothing in this house to cook for dinner." If frustration is permeating the very air you are breathing. This translates into..."please please suggest we go out for dinner, because I need to get out of this house and cooking is the last thing I feel like doing tonight." Simple right?


If I am cranky, and foot stompy and door slammy and there is not an obvious reason. It could be the dreaded PMS. What ever you do...do not suggest it is PMS. (Fatal move.) If you read my mind this time, if you figure out that I am on the verge of a complete meltdown because my hormones are recking havoc on my body, for goodness sake keep your mouth shut. You have the chance to be the hero here! I need my mind reader to go make me some tea and locate the nearest emergency stash of chocolate!


I know, I know. I am setting back the women's movement by suggesting that a man take care of a woman. That a man should be a mind reader and just know what we need. But seriously...once in a while, wouldn't it be sweet??

Things You Don’t Want to Hear

Routine tests. Nothing to worry about.

Had to go have some blood taken.  Didn’t even half to fast.

As I sit down in the chair the teeny tiny19 year old baby girl professional blood tech  says to me.

“Oh wow this is a lot of blood I have to take today.”

Followed by.

“Hmmm, Are you worried about this?”

Well crap, I am now!

“Do you feel dizzy yet?”

OMG I was fine, but now….yes..I think I do!

Thanks an awful lot you little vampire wanna be.  You took a routine blood test and turned it into an anxiety ridden event I won’t soon forget.  You might want to consider a different career.  I bet you would be great at ultrasounds.  

I Am Tardy

Just about forever and a day ago some wonderful bloggy friends bestowed some awards on me!  I pay my bills on time, am never late to pick my kids up from school and am ridiculously anal about showing up for coffee at the appointed hour as expected, yet for some reason I can never get these fab awards posted in a timely manner.   Sorry.

So let’s do it!  This first little beauty goes to bloggers who write blog posts so dang well that you would walk through a cloud of noxious, skin-melting dog farts, to get to your computer, to read them.  Flattering?  I think so?!

I present the super smelly Bull Dog Award courtesy of two insanely good reads Much More Than Mommy and A Parent’s Life to Behold Through Insanity and Bliss!!  If I had more time I would truly sit on my butt eating bon bons and reading your brilliant blog posts all the live long day. 

The second Tardy Award comes from Heather at Two Little Monkeys Plus Hubby.  She has bestowed upon me (forever ago) the Happy 101 Award.  Who doesn’t need a little happy?

Now with the award comes some rules:

List 10 things that make you happy, try to do at least one of them today, and link back to the person that tagged you. Then tag 10 other bloggers that brighten your day.

So here are 10 things that make me happy.

1. The Hubby and kids.  duh

2. Appies and wine with good girlfriends

3. New shoes and bags.  Yes I am that shallow:)

4. Planning the next vacation.

5. Taking that vacation.

6. Splashing in the pool with the kids.

7. PJ days with the fam.  A day spent playing games, cuddling and watching movies.  No phone, no computer.

8. Take-out.  Any night I don’t have to cook is a gooood night.

9.  A roaring fire on a cold winter night.  Anytime really.

10. Catching that perfect shot on my camera.

That list does make me smile.

If you are still here, I have one more.  Tammy over at  I don’t like Mama challenged me in a meme that came from Theta Mom. 

Being tagged means I have to describe 7 things about myself that you don’t already know. In turn, I choose 7 other bloggers to do the same. Sounds like fun eh?
Seven things that I have not already vented, emoted or in general just complained about. Okay, for these two fabulous bloggers I will give it a try!  

My list of 7’s is as follows:

1.  I hate confrontation and will avoid it when ever possible.  I am a lover not a fighter.

2.  I could eat popcorn every day of my life.  I have a problem.

3.  I have not worn a bra in 6 months because of a broken rib that will not heal properly.  I am rocking the tank tops!

4. One of my favourite outfits.  My jeans and Hubby’s huge sweatshirt. (corny..I know, but it’s cold in Canada and his sweatshirts are warm and cozy and smell so good)

5.  I love hotdogs, but hotdogs don’t like me.  Instant migraine, must be the msg.

6.  I am just a little bit like Sheldon from the Big Bang theory.  Not in the brilliant computer savvy geeky way, more in the tall, every ache could be a tumour, like my cushions just so way.  I heart him.  I get it.

7. My real name is……Ha ha ha I’m not telling you that!

 

Since I am so bad at fulfilling the requirements of these awards in a timely manner I really don’t think it fair to pass them on and expect others to do what took me such a shamefully long time.  Now that I have said that, I would be beyond thrilled if any of you lovely peeps would pick up one of these babies or tagged yourself with this meme.  I really really would! Please do and come on back and tell me about it k?

Mwah

PS  In the post before this I mentioned that my ever piece of crap faithful computer crashed.  So I am posting these tags and awards from memory. Yes I  said memory, not to be trusted.  Apologies to anyone I have missed.  Feel free to call me out, just remember I am a lover not a fighter so be gentle.

Random Thoughts...no filter

My carpool sux. They bail 40% of the time. Rude.

My daughter fell down the stairs. There is no faster way to get your heart into your throat. I was shaking as badly as she was. She's tough. She is fine. Whew.

My heart aches. My girlfriends marriage of 14 years is on the rocks. MEN!!!
Her girls cry all day. My Hubby got extra loving last night.

We are trying to buy a vacation home in Florida! Woo Hoo! Made an offer, then a counter offer...waiting with fingers crossed.

One day when the world is ruled by robots and future mankind. When diseases are cured. When the planet is at peace. We were still be plagued by head lice. Nothing kills those little suckers!

My computer crashed and I lost at least three posts that I thought were witty and blog worthy, so now you are stuck reading these ramblings from my head. Really hope I win that new HP mini!

Happy Thursday y'all!

Mwah

Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Who Says Bribery Doesn’t Work

I needed their rooms cleaned up.

I wanted them to practice their piano.

Showers are required.

Litter box must be cleaned.

Please girls, do your chores.

Girls, remember I asked you to clean the litter box?

Girls….

SweetGirl YOU are the one with the piano lesson tomorrow, not me.

nag nag nag nag

Is this my life now?

Screw this. 

Let the bribery begin. 

Clean your room and you can have ice cream for desert.

(You have never seen a room cleaned so fast in your life)

Who wants McDonald’s?  Oh gee, wait a second. Did you clean the litter box and practice your piano yet?  We can’t possibly go for a treat like McDonalds until you take care of those things first!

What’s that?  You want to stay up and watch a little extra TV?  Hmmm well sure, but how about jumping in the shower first.

Is this wrong?  Maybe, but frankly it’s been a long flippin week here in the Suburbs and it is only Tuesday.  If bribing your kids is wrong, I don’t want to be right!

Oh and PS.  If you meet a Mama in the Suburbs who says she has never bribed her babies.  Yeah, she is a liar. 

Unexpected Gifts For The Sleepover Virgin

Reflecting back on my dear daughters first sleepover I am thrilled with how the whole par-taaay went.  The girls feasted on friendship and giggled themselves into a blissed out state of euphoria.

“People who have this much fun should be sent to jail Mom!!” My BlueEyed girl yelled at me over her frozen mocktail.  Tears of laughter streaming down her face. 

Yep, I did my job, memories were made that evening that will last us both a lifetime.

However, there were some gifts from this “party of the year” that this sleepover virgin did not expect. 

Left behind from the sleepover extravaganza were piles of triple brownie chocolate fudge cake, mountains of chips and copious amount of teeth rotting candy.  When dawn breaks, I quickly discover lack of sleep  leaves a girl with no self control.  My thighs do not thank you sleepover.

Weeping crying children~my nerves no longer appreciate your subtle charm.  Clearly you need your solid eight hours as much as I need my solid errr chopped up seven hours of sack time. 

The biggest surprise of all. A raging case of head lice.  *shiver and eeek!! This gift courtesy of BlueEyed girls best friend?

Good thing I love your BFF so very much, cause honey, those creepy crawlies are a pretty big price to pay.  Even for “the best party ever!”

Yes my dear sleepover, clearly, you are the gift that just keeps on giving.  Wonder when we can have another one?

Mwah!

Passive Aggressive Letters. . . . with Love

Dear Little Crook who broke into my SUV. Again.
Does your Mother know where you were last night? (you little creep) Do you think she would be proud? (that her kid is a piece of dirt) Of course not! What in the hell were you thinking!
You, my little deviant friend, are heading down a very bumpy road. Breaking a Mama's car window on a nice quiet street in order to steal their Starbucks money from the ashtray may seem like a small crime, but it is a crime. (plus I get way grumpy without my coffee)
To walk out to my car this morning and find my window smashed, the contents of my glove box strewn about and my daughters left over juice boxes thrown on the seats was very unsettling. That car was parked 5 feet from my little SweetGirls window.
Don't come back or this ModernMom is going to have to open up a can of whoop a$ on you.
Signed
Disappointed with Mankind.

Dear Canada Post,
You are making me look bad.
Went I went to the mailbox today I found THREE returned Christmas cards. Seriously? This can't be my fault. I think you should check again.
Signed
Why Did I Bother

Dear Department Store Credit Card
Oh yes, you lured me in with your 10% off of purchase if I signed up on the spot. Plus the cash back coupons? How could I resist? I am a woman. I like to, no need to shop. It is in my DNA. I got my first credit card statement today and had time to look through the fine print. My interest rate is 28.9%!! Ha! Ridiculous.
Signed
Canceling her card.

Dear Self
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Signed
Jiggly Legs

Nominate Me?

Yes, I am aware this is pathetic!

Somehow I ended up on the babble.com list of Mommy Bloggers! I am all kinds of excited!

Now I am way... way at the bottom. I certainly don't ever expect to get to the top, but if you could take a moment to click here then scroll down until you see How To Survive Life in The Suburbs and give me the big thumbs up I sure would love you ....even more then I already do!

Mwah!
Update: As of 2:30 cold Canadian time, I am hovering at number 81! I am overwhelmed and truly appreciate every vote. Thanks so much for voting! (what? you haven't voted? Well now you know where to find me...follow that link up there to somewhere near number 81) Thanks!!
Update again ..because I am truly thrilled. I am now number 69! Thanks peeps. You rock!

Sweepstakes to Simplify The Crazy-Want to Win a Netbook?

My day begins like many other Mama’s out there. The crazy rush to get the kids out the door. Don’t have a single thing for the kids to eat for lunch cause the sandwich meat just smelled a wee bit funky as I pulled it from the crisper, all the good “school” clothes are somehow still in the laundry basket, and my blackberry is telling me I have to be at a meeting at 9am. This was excellent planning. Not.

We scramble, create a stellar lunch of leftover pasta with a side of “I’m very sorry honey here is a scrumptious chocolate cupcake to make up for it”, and de-wrinkle some clothes in the dryer. I make that meeting, dressed to kill, and no one is the wiser.

How has this happened again?

Oh yes, perhaps part of my issue is the fight for precious computer time. Our family computer, though old, is still one of the most popular places in the house. I have to out fox two computer savvy kids and fight with my Hubby for some quality face to face with that precious keyboard and screen.

How would my life be simpler with an HP Mini 110? Well for one thing I could get in my quality twitter, facebook and blog time at human hours, not the allotted time I have now between the hours of 10pm and 2am!

If I had a beautiful HP Mini to call my very own. I would give her a sweet sweet name like Doris or Bella and love her and care for her like she was one of my own babies. I would never let her get dirty. No sticky fingers covered in jam and peanut butter. I would protect her from my other children. I would even hide her from the great big thumping fingers of my Hubby. She would be mine, all mine. I could keep track of all of my facebook, twitter and bloggy friends! I could write uninterrupted, create schedules, pay bills on time ….the list is endless. Little Bella would make my life lovely. Oh how I long to own a sweet little HP Mini of my very own.

Sigh…….heart rate slowing now.

Would you like to have the opportunity to win one too?

Leave a comment on this post, tell me how the HP would make your life simpler, because that is your entry to win one of three (3) HP Mini 110-1100 by Studio Tord Boontje PCs from all Sweepstakes participants!! Woo Hoo

Winners will be selected randomly. Please leave your e-mail!

Deadline for entries is January 20, 2010 at midnight ET

Winners will be announced on Friday, January 29, 2010.

More details here.

Good luck to you and me!

I really hope one of my beautiful followers win!!

Mwah!

Pictures courtesy of mombloggersclub.com

Interview With Moi

I want to give a great big Thank You to Simply Stacie for Interviewing little old Me!

Please pop on over there and tell her I said Hi!

Mwah

Man Clean

I came home the other day from running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Hubby proudly announced he had cleaned up the kitchen!

Seriously? I am a 38 year old women feeling like I have one too many balls in the air right now, this had me all kinds of excited.

As I walked into our kitchen my reaction was less..."Oh thank you Honey" and more "What the hell are you talking about, I thought you said you CLEANED." The kitchen looked EXACTLY the same as I had left it!

Me voicing my opinion on the matter didn't go over so well.

He had emptied and filled the dishwasher, and apparently wiped off the 1 by 1 foot piece of counter that wasn't covered in crap. In man language, that baby was all good and cleaned up.

Sigh.

Man clean is just different then Women clean!

Man vacuuming means vacuuming around furniture and anything that might be lying on the floor. Women move chairs, couches, and every single piece of crap their kids and dogs have dropped or touched in the last 24 hours gets put AWAY.
Man dusting. It does not exist.

Man dishes. If it fits in the dishwasher, you are all good. If not....it needs to soak. Usually for three or four days is good.

Man laundry. Gets done when he has completely run out of clean clothes and his socks can stand all on their own. It however does not get put away. It sits in that laundry basket all folded and creasing until it is needed to cover man parts. I guess putting clothes away in drawers would be a waste of man power.

Man toilets. Not in my lifetime!

Now don't get me wrong I am grateful for every little bit of man cleaning that gets done around here. I think a man who vacuums is hot. I just wish man cleaning and women cleaning were animals of a more similar breed.

A girl can dream...

She is 11 going on 16

My BlueEyed girl turns 11 today.

I honestly don't know where the years have gone.

She arrived following a wicked snow squall that silenced the city.

On that day the love I felt was so great, so overwhelming, it nearly stopped my heart.

She changed my life forever.

She is my dream come true.

My daily challenge.

A confident, defiant, expressive, whirlwind in one moment, a stumbling, eager, quiet thinker the next.

Bright and brilliant.

Beautiful and creative.

Friend to the lonely and leader of the pack.

She is caught in that awkward place between child and teenager.

Needing Mommy, wanting to do it all herself.

We have learned together, fallen together, cried together and laughed together.

I thank God for her each and every night.

As she stumbles towards adulthood I will lead, she will rebel.

We will butt heads.

We are too much alike.

I am so proud of the person she has become, and am excited to see what this world has in store for her. What she has in store for the world!

One of my favorite sayings "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child."

Baby girl I am doing my best.

To you, on your 11th Birthday, I wish you sweet dreams, exciting adventures, true friends, and good health.

I truly adore you with all of my heart.

Mommy

Searching for the Sandman

Remember when you were a kid and your parents tucked you all snug in your beds? You might have put up a bit of a fuss about wanting to end your day, but once you caved the sweet sweet bliss of sleep came quickly and easily.

You closed your wee eyes, rolled over and before you knew it morning had arrived. You were fresh, well rested and ready to start the day.

What the hell happened to that little person? I have turned into a cover-up under the eyes wearing, coffee swilling, exhausted zombie Mommy!

Somehow, going to bed has become an event. A job that requires preparation.

Must have the temperature of the room just right.

Too hot and you feel ill. Too cold and you wake up chilled and cranky.

Is he in the mood? If you are...good for you! If not, what are you going to do about THAT?

Did you forget to take a glass of water upstairs with you. You are going to need it to wash down the various pills required to survive this thing called life. Birth Control, Migraine Drugs and new drugs for the back just to name a few. My bedside table could rival any Grannys table in a nursing home. So many drugs!

Down the pill and jump into bed.

Arrange the pillows just so.

Fight over the blankets with the Hubby.

Almost Comfy now.

Is that a kid. Grr. 1.2.3.4.5. Yep someone needs you. Up again.

Back to bed. Almost comfy for the second time.

Shut off your mind...yes. Shhh.

What am I thinking about... Dwelling on? Nothing stressful. Life is good. Life is just, busy.
~I'm making a grocery list
~reminding myself not to forget to get stuff for the sleepover
~wishing I had not said that!
~wondering if there is any way we can possibly save enough for that dream vacation
~Oh and then there is that "JUST got a a great idea for great idea for a blog post" Must not forget it thought keeping me awake
-By now I have realized I have to get up in 7 hours.

Oh no you did NOT just do the math on how many hours you have until you have to get up!

Shh mind shh.

Start to drift off to the land of nod and then...

Do you have to pee?

Oh NO. You have got to be kidding me.

The gift of giving birth to two giant babies, a bladder that can not make it through the night.

Try and talk yourself into holding it until the morning.

talking

talking

Sigh....bladder wins another round.

Up out of bed and off to pee.

Take care of business, wash up, back to bed.

Hubby is now snoring away. He still sleeps like the true man child he is.

Now his bloody snoring is keeping me awake.

I never did figure out how to out smart this snorer.

Have to get up in 6 and half hours great.

Dawn breaks with the pitter patter of little feet and the sound of dog food being poured into a very happy puppy's bowl. That sandman must have found me eventually.

Just 15 more hours and I can try this fun little Sleep Game all over again. Yipee!

The Winner Superior Rings GiveAway

We have a winner.
Selected at high noon using Random.Org was number 111

blueviolet said...

They're all so pretty! I love the 14K White Gold 3mm Round White & Red Diamond Ring!

Congratulations blueviolet! You have won Any Tungsten Wedding Ring of a value up to $120.00 from our friends at Superior Wedding Rings.

Thanks to all who entered.


*forgive my screen shot...it's not pretty, but it's there!

Giving Away Some Bling Tomorrow!

There is still time.

Give Away is tomorrow:)

Enter here and win a beautiful Ring from Superior Wedding Rings.

-Please do the Mandatory entry first
-Then jump back and get in some extra entries!

Best of luck!
mwah

Resolutions Start Tomorrow...maybe

Today I stayed in my pajamas until noon.
I finally had a shower and cleaned up by about two.
I let my hair dry. I did not brush it out carefully and with the love it deserves, it is now a tangly ugo mess.
I did not make my kids shower at all.
For breakfast I ate peanut butter, so thick and creamy, spread on hot fresh toast.
I drank coffee with full fat cream.
We smashed an entire Gingerbread House with an ice cream scoop. I ate my fair share. OK. Maybe a bit more.
Lunch was pasta stuffed full with left over shrimp from last nights party for two.
Somewhere in here I snuck in Hot Chocolate.
Dinner, the oh so nutritional chicken nuggets with a side of mashed potatoes.
We have one more movie to get through tonight. There will be popcorn....and extra butter.

For these offences of laziness and over eating against my body I do not apologise!

However Dear Body, I will try and do better tomorrow.