I Could Never Be An Axe Murderer

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Where is that coming from?

Then again, a faint scratch and one knock.  On the door?  I think?  It was faint, but persistent. I went to look through the stained glass windows of our front doors and saw…nothing?

Opened the door and lying there ghostly pale and covered in a thin film of sweat, was my Hubby. 

“Honey, I cut my foot, I’m going to pass out”.  Was what he muttered.  Oh crap.  have you ever seen that episode of Fraser when Niles Crane cuts his finger while ironing? 

‘>Courtesy of YouTube

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Yeah, could be my big man.  Every single time he gets a glimpse of his own blood he needs to lie down.  Fast. 

Turns out Klutzy Hubby came home from a golf tourney all proud of himself for winning a great big trophy, and a great big bottle of Grey Goose Vodka.  As he stepped out of his man car he simultaneously dropped that giant bottle of Grey Goose and stepped on the giant shards of glass is created.  Ouch! Through the shoe and into his foot.  I was greeted at the door by a white faced man and a giant pool of rapidly expanding blood.  First aid Mama kicked in.  Stopped the blood and got the pale clammy man inside.  Once he was squared away I went outside to gather up the boy’s trophy and clean up the glass. 

My eyes could not quite comprehend what I was seeing!  I imagine this is what a crime scene would look like.  Blood drops from the car door to the house. Drag marks from where my poor man had nearly passed out and crawled the last two feet, and then a ridiculously large pool of blood outside our front door.  No wonder the man felt faint.

Here’s a question this Mama has never had to deal with before.  How on earth does a woman clean up a mess like this one? I couldn’t just leave it!  If the kids saw it they would be traumatized, and if the neighbours saw it they would think someone in the house had been killed!

I got out my sexy and reliable rubber gloves, some sponges, a plastic bag, bleach and Lysol. Probably not the best chemical combination as the odours did leave me a bit light headed. After an honest hour of scrubbing you could just barely make out the suburban crime scene.  I only gagged a couple of times.

Gotta tell you, this definitely got me thinking.  If a cut on the bottom of a mans foot could make this big a mess on a side walk, how do the bad guys do it?  Why aren’t more of them caught?

This thing I know for sure, I could never be an axe murderer.



Comments

  1. Good to know 🙂 It’s amazing how we manage to gather strength to do the things we must.

  2. Um-yuck! I’m glad your hubby is okay and so sorry you had such a mess to clean up! (The smell of blood makes me gag.)

  3. …all while working in the fumes of the vodka – lol…that would make me a little wooooozy too! Oh these men…they certainly can make larger messes (or crime scenes in your case) than the kids…but ahhhh we love ’em! Glad you got it all cleaned up…hope hubby is ok.

  4. Too bad he broke the vodka-I’m sure you could have used a drink after all that cleaning!

  5. First aid Mama kicked in. Stopped the blood and got the pale clammy man inside.

    haha…glad everything was ok. And anyone who loves Lululemon pants like you do is far too fashionable to be an ax murderer anyway. 🙂

  6. Head wounds bleed even more. I couldn’t be an axe murderer either. I’d get lightheaded. Did hubby need stitches?

  7. Oh my gosh! The things we do for our families! That is my absolute favorite episode of Fraser!

  8. Poor hubs, hope is okay now. Poor thing, must have been so excited and then, his winnings injured him. And to drop a brand new bottle of Grey Goose…tragedy!

  9. I suppose you would have to put down lots of plastic before the axing began?
    I hope he is ok now!!!
    I love that episode…I miss Frasier so much!

  10. there are those who are cut out to be axe murderers, and then there are US, those who are cut out to IDENTIFY potential axe murderers. BOth important, but ours much less gastly.

  11. This is so crazy. I had an identical experience with my four year old daughter last night! Blood drops all through our garage and house.

    The answer (for next time) is HYDROGEN PEROXIDE. It works on clothes too!

    Thank you SO much for posting that clip. I miss that show! (I also love the one where they end up in Canada and Daphne is only allowed to say “sure”. LOL)

  12. We men are such big babies. Now go give him a lesson on first aid…elevate and pressure. Ta-da.

  13. way to be there…and you could always have a future in crime scene clean up…smiles.

  14. uuugghh.. so sorry you had to do that!
    i don’t do well with blood.. but my hubs is like yours.. so i do better than him.. lol

    would it have been immature to have called my mom over to clean it up.. haha.. just kidding!!!

  15. Oh my gosh!! Poor guy. You would’ve had all the suburbanites talking if they saw you cleaning up that mess. Can you imagine the rapid gossip that would create? Yikes.

  16. but i DO love me the movie, “so i married an ax murderer!” 🙂

    i don’t think i would have thought to get some type of detergent/cleanser. I probably would have picked up the glass and sprayed it with a hose.

  17. Oh my! That sounds like a disturbing scene all around. Being one who lives in fear of axe murderers, I probably would have assumed one was on the loose and just left my husband on the doorstep.

  18. I don’t know why but this just made me laugh- a lot. I hope he is ok. I feel like my solution may have been to just pour red paint all over the porch in a splotchy pattern and call it art…? I’m lazy and don’t have any sexy rubber scrubbing gloves. 🙂

  19. Crime scenes must be really gross. That is one job I would not like to have. Cleaning up crime scenes! Ugh! Hope the cut heals quickly!

  20. Oh god. This post made me laugh. It also left me with spaghetti limbs. Just reading about blood makes me all weak. When I taught grade 2 and a student would have a nose bleed, I couldn’t deal. Had to send them to the office and then promptly sit down before I fainted. Clearly your husband, Niles and I are big sucks.

  21. Oh my hell! You’re my hero! I do NOT do blood. The very first thing I tell my class every year is that Mrs. L does NOT do blood, so if you or someone else is bleeding, go straight to the office!

    At least the alcohol sanitized the giant piece of glass before it went into his foot. Poor baby! At least you helped him. I would have left him lie there while I called 911!!!

  22. Ouch! Ouch! At least he didn’t seriously hurt himself. Can’t imagine having to clean up a pool of blood myself. I think murders who chop up people or slice them up, gotta have a super strong stomach!

    Glad you included the Youtube clipping of Niles Crane. That was hilarious ^_^

  23. Sorry about his foot. What a mess and your right, how do they clean up after they murder someone? No thank you!

  24. Your hubby is lucky to have you – I would have opened the door, took one look and went screaming for help as I wouldn’t have been able to deal – much less clean it up!

  25. That episode where Niles is ironing is classic! Thanks for reminding me of that.
    And I’m so sorry about your husband. And the vodka:)

  26. Good job, lady! 🙂 I bet the neighbors would wonder. I half wonder if anyone took a picture of you and is debating whether or not to contact the authorities… Just a thought!

  27. I love Minivan Lover’s solution. I’m surprised there aren’t more modern artist/serial killers.

  28. Sounds gruesome! I hope hubby is okay. He’s okay, right? I’m squeamish in the “don’t make me touch it” kind of way, but just seeing it doesn’t bother me. (That comes from my CSI/Evidence Tech days. )

  29. What a great show Frasier was! I don’t think I ever saw that episode. So funny that you now know you could never be an axe murderer. I’m with you. I can’t even watch Dexter!

  30. Im glad my hubs does good in those situations. A while back he sliced his hand open pretty good and came in calmly and told me he cut his hand and I needed to come look. I looked and said ok lets go to urgent care and get you stitched up. His reply? I dont think it needs stitches…cant you just sew it up? Um no!! I can handle blood and vomit and lots of other gross things but I will not stitch you up!

  31. Men are such wimps! It also floors me just how much blood a person can loose from just little old cuts!

    Come by when you can…

    http://www.frugaltractormom.blogspot.com

  32. love niles! and what a stain you had to mess with. eww.

  33. Your poor hubby, it’s amazing how much blood there is for a small cut 🙂 I love Frazer, thx for the video.

  34. Oh man. I know EXACTLY what your “crime scene” looked like. I pass out at the sight of horrible body injuries, but I helped a friend clean her father’s home one day.

    His wife had just died of an alcohol related fall. It was a tragedy. He had been so distraught over her death that he turned to MORE drinking. At 3am, he was walking around his home with booze in a glass. Sure enough, he tripped. The glass shattered first and his left hand landed in it second.

    Still being drunk, he wandered around the house looking for towels, paper towels, even going to the bathroom.

    While he was having surgery, my friend and I cleaned the house. We could see the blood trails all over. The blood was clotted and hard to mop up. It was disgusting.

  35. Ouch!!!
    I’m not sure how you did it, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to stand out there for an hour cleaning up someone else’s blood. Sounds painful! Hope the foot is feeling better today!

  36. Hope he’s ok. That being said…I laughed a lot at this post. Good to know you will never come after one of your rabid readers with an axe.

  37. Tucking this info away… LOL

    How nice of you to take such good care of him. Especially if he can’t handle blood. How’d he handle delivery of kids?

  38. My foot is hurting me so badly right now. When I was younger I broke a mirror and stepped on it. That was the bad luck part. I ended having to go get stitches. Either hubby is really tough, or I’m a big baby. This of course was when I was 15.

  39. Oh my! I’m glad to hear he ended up being ok!

  40. *giggle*

    At least his cuts were immediately disinfected 😀

  41. The bad guys totally bolt and don’t have to see the aftermath.

    Now, the REALLY bad guys… Well, they are crazy, so you can’t ever really count on THEM for advice on “how”

    That stinks about the freak accident/bloody foot thing but I’m glad he’s ok!

  42. OhMy..I’m sorry about your husband and also vodka..

  43. Enjoyed your blog. Hilarious spin on real life bad day crap…;-> Thanks Great sense of humor.

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  44. While I certainly empathazize with your husband’s injury as well as the HazMat duty that was forced upon you, is it awful to say that I REALLY weep for the loss of the Grey Goose? That’s some good vodka! *sniff*

  45. OMG, I feel faint just reading that

  46. now that’s quite the story. I HATE the sight of blood. That Frasier clip is hilarious!!!

  47. OMG! I might have passed out myself! But I think my husband would have done the same exact thing. Seriously. They are such babies. But yeah, OW. I’m sure that hurt like heck. I mean, well, I guess I’m calling men babies because my own is, but with a cut like that, uhm, Ow. :[]

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