Hot Mama Mutterings

Things I have muttered to myself today

....because I have convinced myself talking while alone is a sign of intelligence and cause well, if I don't call myself hot, who will?

Nooooo. How can it be time to get up already? Just one more time with the snooze button.

I'd like to meet the guy who invented the bathroom scale and give him a piece of my mind.

Are you kidding me? Why is it every time I sit down, the toilet paper roll is empty?

$#!^ -Yep-That shower is frigid!

If I could figure out how leg hair grows so fast, transplant it and then sell it to bald guys I would be a millionaire.

Ahhhh A spider. A SPIDER. A SPIDER. Get out of My SHOWER!!

What kind of a freak grows one stray hair out of their neck?

Sigh. Seriously. A closet full of clothes and nothing to wear.

Dog is barking. Hello, dog is barking. Can no one in this house hear the dog??

What the ?? What did I just step in? Warm and gooey and stuck to your sock is never good. Apparently no body did hear that poor dog.

Gag. Gag (K I didn't mutter that, but I did make that sound)

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Just a half muffin more.

40 is the new 30. Just wear all monochromatic colours and you CAN pull it off.

Laugh lines are hot.

Just 6 more hours until bedtime.

Just Breath.

This Mama may be muttering, but it's working for me!

The Insomnia Queen

Yah Yah. We all know about us Stay At Home Mom's.

Sitting around all day in our Pj's watching our "shows" and eating bon bons.

Not a care in the world. No worries, no complaints.

If this is true then what the hell is wrong with me??

My name is ModernMom and I am a SAHM, I am busy and I am a Worrier.

I make lists. My last list was not titled "To Do" of "Honey Do" (one of my favorites by the way). but was actually tittled.

"My I'm Freakin Out and Never Gonna Get It All Done List"

This SAHM is one of the busiest people ever!!

So when I lie in bed at night lately I just can't seem to turn it off!

On top of the lists running through my head, are these random thoughts:

I wonder if my BlueEyes is right that the wee boy in her class who mames insects and glues them to paper is going to be in jail one day. (ummm can you say serial killer???)

I worry that I have not picked out the right dress for the upcoming charity event. (It's a fine balance between she looks hot and she looks like she is trying too hard)

I can't believe I had to turn down another dinner invite from the same couple. They are going to think I'm dodging them. (I am so not.)

I am sure this much chocolate can't be good for you, and is not going to help me fit into said dress. (Must add buy more Halloween Candy to my Freakin List)

I worry about a girlfriend who is very ill and another who accepted a proposal from her Mr.Big. Sigh.

I wonder why the school my kids attend. A really good school, with an absenteeism rate of almost 25% right now, has not been shut down until our kids can be vaccinated against the swine flu.

I wonder if getting the H1N1 vaccine is even the right thing to do.

I can't imagine why parents with ill children have to be TOLD to keep there kids at home.

I'm ticked off that I missed garbage day and when it only comes every 9 days or so, this is a big deal.

Another marriage. Another friend devastated. Another family has ended in divorce. This is 4 in just under a year! What is going on?

My head spins back around to a charity event I'm organizing. Ticket sales, seating, ordering wine, centrepieces, auction items......

Then when I look at the clock and realize it's 3am an I have to get up in 4 hours! Oh you should never do the math!

Sleep comes but it is fitful and full of vivid nightmares.

Today I am whiny and will end up strung out on coffee and rambly. Like this post!

What is my point?

-If your kids are sick. Show respect and keep them home.

-Never underestimate what a SAHM has going on behind those closed doors.

End of Rant!

Wishing you all sweet dreams!

Long Over Due Love

Surprise! The Sweetie known as The Wife from The Cobia Family AND the wonderful Miss Vickie from Frugal Mom Knows best honored me with the same award! Now I have already filled out the lovely meme that comes with this little beauty a long long time ago, but thought it would be interesting to see if my answers have changed over the last few months!

So Thanks ladies! Here I go!

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 5 of your favorite bloggers!
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part...
1. Where is your cell phone? counter
2. Your hair? blondish
3. Your Mother? giving
4. Your Brother? nope
5. Your Favorite Food? Mexican
6. Your Dream Last Night? preggers
7. Your Favorite Drink? coffee
8. Your dream/goal? vacation!
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? photography
11. Your fear? health
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here :)
13. Where were you last night? here
14. Something that you aren’t? warm
15. Muffins? always
16. Wish list item? Uggs
17. Where did you grow up? Ontario
18. Last thing you did? dishes
19. What are you wearing? jeans
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? sleeping
22. Friends? good
23. Your life? sweet
24. Your mood? hopeful
25. Missing someone? Ju
26. Vehicle? Navigator
27. Something you’re not wearing? bra!!
28. Your favorite store? Banana Republic (there was just no way to get that into 1 word)
29. Your favorite color? ocean blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday
32. Your best friend? faraway
33. One place that I go to over and over? Loblaws (grocery store)
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Home

I am tagging the following blogs. New reads for me. Careful they are addictive!

Lee The Hot Flash Queen! Over at Hormones,Headaches and Hotflashes


Amo at Where A Woman Shakes Her Tablecloth


and The Crazy Baby Mama


Since I'm on a brutally honest roll here I'm going to tell you about one more award I received. The Honest Scrap Award from Mrs.Call Me Crazy over there are Life's Crazy Joke. I have seen the honesty thing done before but this wonderful blogger takes it to a Whole.Nother.Level. You must pop over and tell her I say hello!


This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant. This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who oftentimes put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.
(no pressure lol)


1. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs I find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged me.

2. Tell those 7 people they’ve been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

3. Share “10 Honest Things” about myself.

Let the free therapy begin:


10 Honest Things

1. I had cookies and tea for breakfast.
2. I have not been to the Dentist in almost 2 years. I hate it that much.
3. I had NOTHING to wear to a theater performance on Sunday...so I went and bought and entire new outfit.
4. I am a paranoid freak when it comes to expiration dates. I must throw out anything that goes past its expiration date. Chicken, milk, salad dressing, chips! Doesn't matter if it still smells and looks fine, if it's past its "best before" date...I toss it!
5. I think call screen is the best invention ever. I have even call screened some of my kids friends because I just don't have the energy to entertain those little people.
6. I fear that this H1N1 is just the beginning of many pandemics our children will have to live through.
7. I still love to curl up on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa and watch Bugs Bunny cartoons with my girls.
8.I think 7 honest things is enough because some of these awards tend to drag on!




If you have been reading me for any length of time you probably know I'm not much for following the rules to these awards. Seven blogs! I will pass on this Honest Scrap to these two gals!



Insanity and Bliss -You must read her. She is so honest, has wonderful pictures and just now saw Forest Gump??



Menopausal New Mom -Another must read. Canadian Girl Power:) Mwah



Thanks and Love to all!

I Peed On A Stick

Toooo Much Info.
I know.
Warning. More personal information to follow.
Ready?

Despite the previously blogged about PMS I was two weeks late with natures gift. Hmmm.
So not like me.
I am a clock.

Two weeks gives a girl a lot of time to think.
I have two beautiful, healthy, wonderful girls.
We are a disgustingly average happy family of four.
I was just starting to believe that our little brood was complete.
Mom and Dad, 2 girls. Even a dog and a kitten. (RIP Mr.Fishy)

Besides, doesn't it seem like the world was sometime meant for families of four?
Cars are easier to buy.
Hotels are easier to book.
Rides at the fair work out perfectly.
Restaurants always have room for four.

Then, you are two weeks late!

My girls are 8 and 10!!
We can sit by the pool and watch them swim.
We just have to remind them...OK beg them to have a shower. They do the work themselves and there is no more worries of little brown floaties in the tub!
They wipe their own butts.
More food ends up in their mouths vs the floor.
These girls are a twosome, best friends.
We are about 10 years away from some time for "us". Little trips without guilt.

I'm not wishing it all away, but wow things sure are easier then when they were little.

But Ohhhh a baby.
A third little person to love.
The joy, the love, the new baby smell.
The miracle of a new life.
The wonder of the firsts!

The sleepless nights, the wrinkles, the weight gain, the stress.
The aching back, the hemorrhoids, the killer gas!

Clearly my head was spinning.

A Woman torn.

So..this morning...I peed on a stick.

NEGATIVE.

I was...disappointed?

Just a little.

I'm 38 (yikes) and you know what is finally clear to me.
It wouldn't matter if I had 2 kids or 6.
I think there are just some women in this world who never feel done.
Who will always feel that ache when they see a newborn babe, who instinctively turn and grin at the sound of a little ones cry.

Are we done? Will there be more little feet added to this house in the Suburbs? Probably not, and I'm OK with that.
But I have to tell you, if it had gone the other way today, if my Clear Blue Easy had shown me a + sign.......

I would have been jumping for joy.

Tips for the Hubby. . . . Unleashing Your Super Power

I am a girl.

A romantic, spoiled, sometimes whiny little girl.

I am also strong willed, independent, courageous and decisive.

What, I can't be both?

Here is the kicker...

When I hit my PMS, world has me down, I feel lonely in a house full of people, and ugly despite new hair, new clothes and new mani pedi....

It is time for you to step up, take the bull by the horns, bite the bullet. Be my man because you have a super power you many not be aware of....it's a power to HELP!!

Your actions can make or break my day!

Don't ask me what's wrong because I don't know.

Don't ask if I'm PMSing.

Don't laugh when I cry my eyes out at that American Express Commercial.

Just hold me.
Hug me.
Bring me chocolate or flowers for no reason.
Lovingly rub my back as you walk by.
Empty the dishwasher or vacuum the floor, without me nagging for help, I hate those jobs.
Offer to pick up dinner.
Tell me you love me, love our life, our kids, our world.
Tell me everything is going to be all right.
Send me a loving text or e-mail!

Tap into your "super power"...figure out what I need, because honest to God I don't and I'm one burnt casserole away from a complete meltdown!!

I just need you to look into my soul and become.....

Senor Mind Reader.

Sigh.

Thanks Hon.

Short and Shallow

Thank you to the lady who gave me her grocery cart when I couldn't find a quarter to get one out of the stall myself.

Thank you pre-cooked chicken. I know what is for dinner tonight.

Thank you to the pharmacist who assured me the body is a powerful thing and can heal itself from many things...just be patient and give it time.

Thank you to the wonderful Mom who took my Sweet Girl for a 3 hour play date while BlueEyes was at Gymnastics. Hubby and I snuck in shopping and dinner for two.

Thank you to the garbage men who threw my pail into the middle of the lawn this week instead of letting it roll down the road as usual.

Thank you Banana Republic for your clearance rack.

Thank you Theatre group for cancelling this weeks class. One less thing.

Thank you to the group of 20 year olds who gave me a whistle as I walked out of Tim Hortons.

Sigh. Sometimes as you battle life in suburbia, it's the little things that get you through.

Have You Ever?

Waited all day for the UPS guy...afraid to leave the house, only to miss him when you were ummm indisposed.

Checked your blog to see if it will brighten you day and realized you have lost one of your invisible friends.

Had a fight with the Tupperware and pots that are taking over the kitchen cupboard....and lost.

Shopped for 3 hours with your lovely 10 year old daughter to find just the right top for picture day. Come home with boots, jeans, runners and NO top. Silver lining. She found just the "Gee Mom, I am in Grade 5 ya know" Top and not a pre-schooler anymore top. Right in her very own closet. Ya think I've been played?

Realized that burning smell is not the furnace kicking in for the first time this season, it's your super expensive, ultra important Chi Hair Straightener.

Spent an honest hour making a dinner you think the whole family will love only to realize pretty much only the dog appreciated your effort.

Welcome to my world! Hope the weekend treats you well!

Today's Complaints...

Who decided TV was bad?

Yeah, I don't care what you say, TV is gooood, real good. It is a cheap, clean form of entertainment. TV has been my time killer for the kids. Yes I can admit I am that Mom...Oh please girl, are you telling me you never let your kids watch 1 episode more of TV then you thought was a good idea so you could get dinner ready, Pee alone or have one uninterrupted phone call without someone pulling on your leg?? On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, throw in a bowl of popcorn and dim the lights and you have yourself date night or family night. There is no sense fighting it. TV. Good.

Cartoons however are ridiculous. How is it that I have not written a children's cartoon or for that matter a man child's cartoon and made myself a million dollars? Family guy? Simpsons? Just draw some funny looking people, exaggerate their body parts, throw them in some socially awkward situations and add farting. Cartoon Hit!

Clearly I need a vacation. Somewhere sunny and warm, safe and on a beautiful white beach. Why is it so hard to find a great family friendly all inclusive with two bedrooms?

There are not enough hours in a day. Sure I can get the stupid laundry done, clean the sticky off the floors, organize a quasi healthy meal like a good Mommy....but where is the time left for my mani/pedi? For lounging in my PJ's? For reading a good book with a cup of hot cocoa. Why must I do all of my things after 10:30pm?

Why is it that the one morning you don't get dressed RIGHT away. The one time you decide to do that lounging in your PJ's, surf some blogs, don't have that shower and do the full make-up thing...is the time both the UPS guy and the creepy pool guy show up.
Sigh. Must go now.

Thanksgiving for 15. . . . . and then she rested.

Want to hear the truth about Thanksgiving?

Well, it's great.

As long as it is at someone else's house!!

Spend 2 days cleaning up your home. If you are anything like me. Procrastinate so much you still end up doing some crazy kind of shuffle and hide so your house is presentable before the first guest arrives.

Spend a few hundred dollars shopping for the essentials..then send the Hubby out in a panic because you forgot the Cranberry sauce that Grandma simply must have.

Oh good grief. Don't forget the booze eh?

Then let the cooking begin!

Let's talk Turkey.

Raw Poultry is truly disgusting.

Seriously! Have you ever really looked at that poor dimpled skinned turkey before you stuff it's butt and neck full of bread and seasoning? Ug. Big Gag factor. BIG! Plus you are supposed to massage it with butter? Huh? Forget it. If I'm not massaging my Husband, I'm sure as hell not massaging a dead bird.

Get that bird in the oven in the nick of time.

Yell at the kids that yes they must wear the clothes you put out for them.

Beg your Hubby to turn the football off, just for a couple of hours.

Sprint through the shower.

Coral the pets.

One last vacuum.

Check the potatoes and disgusting bird.

Ahhhh. Ready.

.

.

.

.

Then they are freakin late! Are you kidding me.

When all your tardy guests do finally arrive. Get a nice visit in.

Eat that huge meal you spent 2 days preparing for as fast as any Big Mac Combo.

Sit back in your squeaky wood dinette chair that is only used 3 times a year and enjoy your moment of satisfaction.

There, did you enjoy it?

Good moment over.

Now go look at the flipin dishes!

It looks like a small bomb went off in there!

But don't worry, I'm sure you lovely FAMILY will help. Nope,they have to run.

Mwah, Mwah.

Do dishes for two more days.

UG.

The only saving grace.

You get the leftovers.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Y'all.

Hope you get to go to your Mother In Laws House!

Oxymoron's from a Real Desperate HouseWife

I'm baking low fat oatmeal muffins and cramming in as many chocolate chips as the batter can hold.

I'm drinking my 8 glasses of water hoping to shed a pound or two....chasing each glass with some super yummy chocolate and minty girl guide cookies.

I spend 20 minutes in the morning covering my face in make-up so I can look more natural.

Told my kids they have spent enough time in front of the TV, but yes they can play on the computer.

Must stop overspending, but the sale at Banana Republic is so so good!

I do pride myself on not being one of those "competitive Mom's" but man was I ticked off when my kid was passed over for a higher level group in gymnastics for the daughter of the Office Manager of the Gym. mmmm favoritism?

I hate gossip, but loved hearing she's taking her cheating spouse to the cleaners.

Salad for dinner. Popcorn and coke for 10pm snack.

I truly think recycling is important, but just threw out yet another Tupperware container full of unidentifiable moldy mush with a gag factor of 10.

I am currently wearing my new Spanx while eating previously mentioned not so low fat muffins.

Yep, that's me, just trying to get through life in the Suburbs.

Car Pool Conversations

One of my many jobs out here in the Suburbs is the never ending carpool.
To swimming, gymnastics, choir, track or even birthday parties it seems like I'm always hauling a load of wee ones to some incredibly important social event.
One of the wonderful things about being the invisible driver in the front seat? The conversations overheard between groups of 7-10 year old girls...

Overheard between two adorable 7 year old girls in my back seat.

The discussion: A 10 week session of synchronized swimming.

"Well SweetGirl, I do like the idea of doing synchronized swimming with you, but it says here 10 hours.

Big Sigh.

I'll try, but I think I'm gonna be awfully tired after 10 straight hours in the pool!"

Hee hee...Out of the mouths of babes.

True Food Confessions

I ate too much guacamole.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm paying for it now.
Turns out the Montezuma's Revenge I thought I had on our last trip to Mexico was not so much that, more likely...
Revenge of the avocado.

Damn you ...you glorious tasty addictive dip.

Contraband Underwear

I went shopping for a new dress today.
Why?
Big event coming up and it's time for another new "little black dress".

Didn't take me long to find what I was looking for. Simple. Cute.
Zip Ding.
Ring it up.

As I was driving home I began to have this nagging uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.
What the hell was that.
After a little soul searching I realized I was having a wee bit of buyers regret.
What do I need to spend $190.00 dollars on ANOTHER little black dress for?

When I got home I rummaged through my closet and checked out the dresses from the last 5 years. Surely something in here would work for this event next month.

Dress1...hmmm 1 little problem
Dress 2...hmmm 1 little problem
Dress 3 hmmm 1 little problem

The problem is. My belly. Ouch it was even hard to type the word! Pathetic.
This past couple of years I have been dealing with a back injury which has meant NO crunches for me. This means extra insulation for the tummy. So sexy!

Right then and there I made a decision. I took back that 190.00 dress. I am not walking into this charity event with a dress that makes me look 4 months pregnant, and went into the new store in the mall. Maybe you have heard of it? Spanx.

I felt like a 16 year old girl trying to buy booze!
I looked left and right to make sure no one I knew was around.
I surveyed the store from the outside.
Then...I rushed in.
My girlfriends have been raving about these Spanx for months so I knew what I wanted. Thank goodness they run in sizes like panty hose so I could just select my colour and size and get the hell out of there!
Whew!

Back home. Try on the contraband.

OH MY GOOOOD!!!
Dress 1....That looks better!
Dress 2...Holy Cow this dress looks too big now!
Dress 3...Eeek. I think I might be hot!

These Spanx don't pinch or roll, nothing flubs over the top, they just kind of smooootthh. I think I am in love. Imagine how great my butt would look if I wore these under my Lulu Lemons!

Instead of spending $190.00 on a dress, I spent $59.00 on Spanx and actually feel good about myself.
Ahhh Spanx, from the top of my belly to the bottom of my heart I thank you.