Short and Sweet Random Thoughts

I have decided that after giving birth to two babies.
Each weighing in at nearly 10 pounds.
My bladder can no longer be trusted.
Hearty laughter, sneezing and jumping on trampolines are all activities which should be done with extreme caution.

...just so you know!

It's Time To Get Back On The Diet When . . .

You realize you have been alternating between just two pairs of pants. These my friends are called your FAT pants.

You wake up in the morning and your very first thought is about food.

Actually, your every thought is about food.

You are sneaking chocolate when no one is looking.

Your daily water intake has been switched from the recommended 8 glasses to 1 glass of water, 4 of coffee, 1 juice and 2 glasses of wine.

Your kids ask where we are ordering dinner from tonight.

You are exhaling when you weigh yourself on those nasty scales just hoping it takes off an extra ounce or two.

You consider cutting your hair. It will definitely reflect a weight loss. (I have a lot of hair.)

You are making those grunting noises as you get up off the floor again.

You are considering going back to your old reliable scales. The ones that were wrong by 5 pounds but always made you feel so much better about you!

You are considering buying spanx.

Your exercise regime has been switched from time on the treadmill to time on the couch.

You look in the mirror and see your Mother looking back!

You and your Hubby have a discussion about what's for dinner AND what's for 10'ses (you know the 4th meal of the day!)

You are cussing at the dryer for shrinking all of your clothes.

Yes..these are all signs that you are on a slippery slope. Time to give yourself a kick in one of those two pairs of pants!

When the Hubby Goes Drinking

On the very rare event that your Hubby has been given the golden pass to flee the Suburbs and heads out for a night on the town I hope you see it as the gift that it is.

Once you get the rug rats...er children to bed..the evening stretches out before you.
It is yours.
All yours!
Is it time for a luxurious bath without said Hubby wanting to join you?
A chance to put on your terrifying hardening mask that after all these years you would still rather he not see?
Perhaps wax some of those bits and pieces in privacy?
Maybe you want to get caught up on all that girly TV?
Or watch that chic flick and bawl your eyes and Enjoy.Every.Tear.
You know that stash of chocolate you have hidden. Time to break it out because tonight you don't have to share!
Perhaps one of the biggest benefits of giving the Hubby the golden pass for a night out with the boys. He now thinks without a shadow of a doubt that YOU are the coolest wife ever and the next time you want ANYTHING and I mean anything...it's yours baby.
"Mmmm I have had my eye on a little something." You whisper.
"Yours!" The Hopeful Hubby declares!
You hold the power baby:)

When the now Drunken Hubby arrives home, all sloppy and lovey. He tells you how much he adores you. How you are the most beautiful, sexiest, coolest wife in the world.
You tell him to shush and go to sleep.
The glorious snoring begins.
No matter how hard you try you can not stop a man from snoring who has had one too many. Trust me...I have tried them all. I have not yet figured out How to Out Smart a Snorer.
Eventually you stomp and grab that pillow. Head down the hall for peace and quiet.
The next morning as he suffers, head in hands, moaning as you offer to cook him some runny eggs, you can relish in the fact that you are still the coolest, most beautiful wife ever.
You can also enjoy the promises he made in the previous nights stupor!
Today shelves will be hung. Furniture will be re-arranged, and we are going to look for a new dining room table!
Ha! See. There are many hidden benefits to the nights when a Hubby goes drinking.

There is Panic in the Suburbs. . .No More Liquor??

Forget the falling Canadian dollar, Jon and Kate are old news, the Swine Flu did not make the headlines today. The crisis in these Ontario Suburbs, the talk on the playgrounds around here? The LCBO (Liquor Control Board of Ontario) is threatening to go on strike at midnight! Ahh! It could be a very long, dry summer for us!

If they do hit the picket lines, it would be the first strike in the history of the LCBO.

Panic has hit the quiet suburbs of Ontario. People lined up for hours, booze was pushed away in carts, carried away in boxes and bags.

Shelves were emptied.


Apparently life in Suburbia is not worth living if you can't have your vodka tonic or glass of Cabernet.

(thanks to ctv and cnews for the images)

Text Messages Save the Day!

 

Times have changed. Even when you are stuck in a meeting where you can't take a call, you can still have important conversations with the one you love.
Did I narrowly avoid a minor disaster?
Thank you Blackberry Messenger!

Text Message conversation between me and the Hubby:

Hubs:
Hey baby. SweetGirl just found and caught a toad. She named it Mr.Nubs and she LOVES him. She really really wants to keep him.

Me:
And you told her?

Hubs:
Well... Do we still have the old aquarium?

Me:
NO.
(Thinking to myself. I already vacuum and swiffer every day thanks to our black lab who should be bald by now, I am the only one who looks after the damn fish that they just HAD to have, and you want to add some toad that you fished out of the pool to my to do list!?! Deal with this. Please.)

Hubby:
Oh.
What do you think I should do?

Me:
Honey. You are there. Can you please deal with this one?

Hubby:
Maybe the toad would be happier with its family?

Me:
Yes Honey. That's perfect.

(Thank you for my sweet man with a big soft heart, and his blackberry)


We loved you Mr.Nubs.

 

Manners in the Suburbs

It isn't hard to be polite. Is it?
Here is a little something that amazingly many people don't know!

How to RSVP

When you get an invitation to a party:
Open your card.
Check your calender.
Discuss with your significant other. (or not if that's how you roll)
RESPOND!!
Simple as that.
It really isn't that difficult.
To ignore, forget, or just be too lazy to bother to respond...that is just plain rude.

Must go now...have to go call those three Mommies out of twenty who are just to busy to RSVP!

Mwah

Time to pass it on!

I am overdue! I have been blessed with a variety of awards and it really is time that I pass on the love.

JenJen at GottaLoveMom
Awarded me the Lovely Blog Award and The Kreative Blogger Award




My second award comes from the ever funny Karie over at One Fish, Two Fish, Three, Four,Five
This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.


Last but not least a Double Award from one of my newest reads Buckeroomama over at Mamahood, Among Other Things...



The rules from this double duty award are:

1. Friends Award
This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

2. One Lovely Blog Award
Rules: 1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link. 2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.


I think the essence of all of these awards it that you are acknowledging some great bloggers and hopefully introducing some of your new blog friends to a wider audience.
I will admit I have confused myself trying to figure out who has already received these awards, so I'm not going to worry about that any more! I'm going to pass on this group of awards to 11 wonderful people. Why 11, I'm random like that!
If you are not on this list...know I love you too!
So my beautiful bloggy friends, pick the award you like the best, or the one you don't yet have and pass it along.
I hope everyone can go and take a look at all of these blogs, maybe even make their day by becoming their newest follower! Who doesn't love a new follower?
Tell them I say Hi!


The eleven blogs that I have chosen to pass along this lovely award to are:

Caroline over at Whimsical Whispers

Sara at Domestically Challenged

Hit 40 at Sane without drugs

SC From the Desk of Sara

The cute Design It Chic

Lizzie at Infectious Chatter

Cynthia at Crumbs in the Minivan

Danielle at Stiletto Chicken

Tami at Diary of a Mad Woman

ME at An Eagles View

And last but not least, The Perfectly Happy Mum

Would You Rather....

My girls were in fits and giggles playing this strange little game in the car.
They called it "Would you rather.."
Their answers were sometimes amusing, sometimes well....scary!

Would you rather drink an entire bottle of ketchup or swim with sharks?

Would you rather be a superhero or a super villain?

Would you rather have spaghetti noodles for arms or smell like a skunk?

You get the idea.

This amusing game got me thinking. I think we play this game in the suburbs every single day!

Would you rather have the house of your dreams and keep your career OR stay at home with that baby that now owns your heart? (went with my heart)

Would you rather a shower, laundry done, and maybe even dinner on the table when he gets home OR a nap. (you cannot have both so I pick shower, even though I would tell every one I know to go for the nap)

Would your rather have your Mommy uniform be jeans OR yoga pants? (will they remember if I wear the same pair of jeans every day all week?)

You must help out at the school. Would you rather serve on the incredibly boring pizza lunch committee OR the incredibly boring book sale fundraiser? (both come with pretentious know it all Mommies...must sort through to find the normals!)

Would you rather drive an SUV OR a mini-van? (SUV baby)

Would you rather your child take ballet OR skating lessons? (I'm playing the Canadian version of would you rather so we might have to do both)

Would you fancy a romantic evening out with the hubby OR a quiet night in with popcorn and a movie? (This implies I have a sitter? Guess we are stayin in!)

Would you rather Coach OR Kate Spade? (a girl can dream can't she)

Would you rather give up your pool guy OR your lawn boy? (duh..useless creepy pool guy)

Life in the Suburbs often feels like a game, sometimes it's Survivor, sometimes it's the Amazing Race. I'm grateful today just felt like a tame version of Would you Rather.

Now tell me, have you come across an amusing Would You Rather??

Granny's Day Out

It is time to stop Grieving the loss of my beautiful SUV. (Can you hear sarcasm on a blog post?) Really thrilled that instead of driving a 7 seater monster I am currently the proud owner of a wee little sports car.
I have decided to embrace my sports car. Love my little mustang. Make lemonade my friends.
I also decided it was time for a visit with Grandma. Put those two together and you get a rather interesting Granny's Day Out.

Grandma or GG (Great Grandma) as my girls call her, is in her 91st year.
I called her up this morning and asked her if she was feeling spontaneous.
She said she was up for anything!
I picked her up an hour later.
In this:

We cruised the city.
Horns honked at us.
Granny smiled.
Three twenty somethings pointed and grinned. Stared a little too long at us at the stop light.
"She is hot isn't she?" I queried.
"Oh you are both so so hot" The young man yelled back.
Granny let go the loudest laugh I have heard in years. Apparently no one has called her hot for 50 years!

We circled the park.
Stopped for sustenance.
Drove past the landmarks.
Went out into the country.

Time to go home.
Granny had a long overdue birthday gift for me.
A lovely china cup and saucer that had been her grandmothers. AND...
a pair of jeans she picked out just for me.
They were a size 16.
I'm a size 8.
I did tell her I did not think they were going to fit.
She insisted I prove it.
Those "how to cook light" and "diet" books she gave me at Christmas must have worked!
At least I gave her a second giggle.

Hope when I'm 90 my Granddaughter comes and takes me out for a spin in the sunshine. I also hope that granddaughter has half as much fun as I did today.

It's Hard to be Beautiful

For weeks now both my 7 year old and 10 year old daughters have been working on me. They really really wanted their ears pierced.
I have heard every argument under the sun.
All their friends have theirs done.
We are so much older now.
We will be completely responsible.
It would be such a lovely thing to do together. (that was a good one)

The thing is I didn't need them to convince me. I have no problem with pierced ears, I just wanted them to be ready. Old enough to take care of their ears themselves, and responsible enough that they would not lose their earrings as often as they lose their socks!

I did my research, found a place that specializes in piercing infants and children's ears, and picked a wonderful woman with 15 years of ear piercing experience. Have I ever mentioned that I am a planner and a worrier?

Yesterday after school was the big surprise.

"Daddy is coming home early from work. If you still want to, we can go get your ears done tonight!"

They were all kinds of excited.

I got out the camera and took pictures of those virgin ears. Kissed those baby ear lobes good bye and away we went.

Oldest first into the chair. BlueEyes did fine until the marker went onto her ear lobe. Fear set in. Face went pale. Tears were visible...they threatened to flow out of those big innocent eyes. I assured her it would only hurt for a minute, but she could still back out. NOPE. She was determined.

The wonderful ear piercers lined up (Oh TWO of them...they could do both ears at the same time...THANK YOU) and KA THUNK.

OH she loudly proclaimed. "It hurts" Yep tears and drama. That's my girl. Apparently the noise of that stupid ear "gun" had startled her more then anything. Good lord I had my ears done like 30 years ago...I had forgotten about the noise! Geez... Half of my friends used an ice cube and a safety pin!
She only cried for a minute, but it was enough to set of 7 year old SweetGirl who was waiting and watching from a safe distance in the hall.

Her story. Much the same, but with more...I don't think I can do it...I don't think I can do its. And a lot more.. Oh she is so cute, you will be fine sweeties from the small supportive crowd that was gathering. Why do adults all crowd around to watch such an event?

I did take pictures...I'm strange like that, but I really don't think you want to see them.

They both recovered from their ear piercing trauma in a matter of moments.
It might take me a little bit longer.
I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced until I was in Grade 8. My Father always said...."If God wanted you to have holes in your ears you would have been born with them." I believe now that making me wait, that rule, that line, was more for my parents. I think it was an excuse. A way to keep me younger, more innocent, to force me to slow down.
As I look at my babies now I swear to you they both look years older.

This morning they bounded out of bed like spring time bunnies. Requested hair up and ran to the car for their ride to school. Anxious to show off the new look.

We both learned hard lessons yesterday. They learned that it is sometimes hard work to be beautiful, and I learned you can't slow them down, so you might as well enjoy the ride.

Passive Aggressive Love Letters. . . .To My Family

Dearest SweetGirl
When I am asking you to be quick like a Bunny because you are going to be late for school, that actually means..MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! Please don't think because I am using my best Mommy sing song voice it is because I want to see your sweetest ballet move as you slowly ascend the stairs to brush your teeth. I am using that voice because if I unleash the drill Sergeant voice that is currently rumbling inside my head I will scare you and send you into reverse. Forward motion baby. Quick like a Bunny. PLEASE!!!

Dearest Hubby
Love of my life.
Please...for the love of Pete..put your undies IN the hamper.


Dear BlueEyes
I'm sorry you can't find your favorite sweat shirt. Yes I agree it is beautiful. Does stomping your feet and whining about it make you feel better becasue you are kind of scaring me! Who is this pre-PMSing girl and what has she done with my child? Is this a small glimpse of what the teenage years will look like?
The last time I wore your sweatshirt I'm sure I put it back where it belonged!!
This really is not a crisis. Honestly it is not worth tears. Hang on baby we will find it together.

Dear Great Grandma
Oh I do love you with my entire heart. Now that this has been said, when I say "Hey Granny how are you"? It really is just a conversation starter. I don't want a run down of your aching back, sore knee, itchy arm, cracked skin, rumbly tummy, time on toilet today and what color you coughed up this morning! If you have a new ailment that warrants discussion, by all means lay it on me. Otherwise...maybe we should just jump to the weather!


Kisses

The Cursed Pool

Stupid Pool.
Why do you hate me?
No one wants to swim in a green slimey swamp.

I will show you. No toxic floaties will keep my babies from enjoying the sunshine.

Turn ON your foolish pool pump.
TURN ON.
Kick.
Ouch!
Told ya to turn on..

I am vacuuming but all the freaking dirt and slime is just blowing around.
What the hell is going on?

Stomp

Stomp

Back and forth I walk like an idiot. From pool to pump, from pump to pool.

Wiggle a knob, adjust a lever. Something has got to work.

Basket is full of dead leaves and worms. Lovely. That could be part of my problem.

Gross..mashed up worm bits and beetle bits. Clean.It.Out. (used a stick)

Back to the vacuum.

Oh. For crying out loud. Why is the green recycling? Why do I see streams of green through my crystal clear water?? This vacuum is still not working right.

Where is that creepy pool guy who talks to my boobs when I need him?

Oh Gee. It helps if the hose is plugged in.

Ha Ha!! Dirt is now miraculously sucking up the vacuum hose, through the basket and running all over my driveway. That's Okay, I'll wash the driveway down later. Must get slime out of pool.

I've been out here how long?

2 1/2 hours?

Enough is enough. Where is the pool shock.

Take that you stupid pool. Shock You!

See you tomorrow for Round 2.

Grieving

She was so beautiful.
She was always there when I needed her.
Helped me every day.
She helped me to carry my heavy loads.
Protected my loved ones.
She kept me warm and safe.
Allowed the sun to shine into my life.
She entertained the kids.
Never let me down.
Got me through some turbulent weather.
Safely guided me home.
She never let me get lost.

I miss my gorgeous 7 seater Ford Lincoln Navigator with automatic lift tail gate, heated seats, moon roof, built in entertainment system, 20" spoke chrome aluminium wheels and GPS.
Sigh.
If you're going to survive life in the suburbs, a ridiculously small 2 door just won't do.

**This ridiculous little 2 door sports car is going back..hunt for a new SUV is on!

This Weeks. . . . . . . . . Confessions From Suburbia

I went out to the drug store today and didn't wear a bra.

I threw out a Tupperware full of moldy pizza sauce instead of washing it because the rancid goop made me gag.

I was pretty sure that flattened box of Cheerios blowing down the street on recycling day was mine but I didn't chase it.

I did not give at the office. I'm just not giving to you. You are the third charity to knock on my door in just under two weeks and clearly I'm just not that nice.

I let my child wear two different socks to school today. Hey they were both white. At this point that counts as a match!

I used the TV as a babysitter. I let the girls watch an extra half hour of TV so I could talk on the phone without interruption.

I'm not going on the field trip because I just don't want to. I've been on the same field trip twice now and I'm tired. Bad bad Mommy.

I made good use of my favorite phone feature...call screen. Good luck getting through.

I faked it.......
passed off store bought cookies as homemade. What? Did you think I meant something else?



Yep this is me, just trying to survive life here in the suburbs.

Fell off the Wagon Today....

It started out innocently enough..

Just 1 arrowroot cookie. Okay so it was before my morning coffee. Don't judge.

Had that healthy tasteless oatmeal for breakfast, side of fruit.

But then...it was all downhill from there.

Bacon and Tomato Sandwich. With EXTRA Mayo.
Just a couple of chocolate chips. I don't know why?
Homemade Mac and Cheese for Dinner. Heavy on the cream and heavy on the cheese glorious cheese. Hey, that's what the kids were having and I was too tired to make a different meal for me.
Then a coke. It's been SOOOO LONG since I have indulged in a coke! Why did I crack open that coke?
When you are having a pop you must also have....
Popcorn
AND Extra Butter. Not that healthy "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" butter. Real Butter.
Crap. Who left the box of Macaroons right here on the kitchen counter.
They might go stale. Can't let them go to waste.

Yeah, clearly I'm not an emotional eater.

Someone stop me.

Sigh. Tomorrow is another day.

I Think I Need a Make Over

Yes, I'm a woman. Do you know any woman who is truly happy with the way she looks?
A couple of wrinkles here or there.
Some extra junk in the trunk?
Too much boob? Not enough?

I can't fix those things overnight...but what I could fix up...My blog
Okay I can't, but I could hire a professional to help me.
Do I need an excuse to show myself some love? Oh...how about this?
I have reached 100 followers!
What??
Yes! 100 Followers!
Thank you. Thank you.
I adore each and every one of you and love that you feel me worthy of a follow!
So now I felt the time had truly come for a blog make-over.

I spend hours and hours in the bloggy world and wanted my little piece of it to be a better representation of who I am!
I finally stumbled upon Krystyn at Krizzy Designs. Science teacher by day, incredible blog designer/master of the computer world by night.
Krystyn has been AMAZING to work with. She answered my questions with care, is a fabulous communicator, is so fast, and is an artist in her own right.
Krystyn I can't thank you enough for all of your help!
If you need a make-over jump on over to Krizzy Designs!

Hope you love my new look as much as I do!

Kisses!

Wish I hadn't done that.

I really wish I hadn't
...Breathed in so much of that cleaner when I was scrubbing down the shower. Little Dizzy...
...Bought myself a new lipstick, and when I brought it home discovered it's my Grandma's favorite shade. Sexy.
...Forgotten to change from my bright pink crocs into my sensible sandals before I hopped in the car to dash off to the end of year field trip. I'm sooo stylin!
...Hadn't made it my personal mission to finish the brownies before the hubby got home. UG...I guess you can eat too much chocolate.
....Started to clean out the pantry today. What a MESS!
...Tried to remove that towel rack all by myself. Those two gaping holes in the wall are going to be hard to explain. Perhaps he won't notice?
...Backed out of the garage so fast. Who needs TWO side view mirrors anyway. One should work just fine.
...Said yes to that last glass of Chardonnay. Head hurty.


Do you think I can blame it all on the fact that I nearly poisoned myself with toxic cleaning fumes??
Gulp. Good thing he REALLY loves me:)

Have You Ever?

*Pinched your eyelid in your eyelash curler.
*Gone to the ATM and driven away WITHOUT your cash.
*Made sandwiches for you kids to take to school and then remembered it's hot lunch day.
*Lugged you butt out of bed to start the day, hit the shower, only to realize it was Saturday.
*Gone to the store for milk, spent $100.00 on Groceries..but not picked up the flipping milk.
*Walked downstairs and not been able to remember what you were on your way to do.
*Left laundry in the wash....for 2 days.
*Slept all night with your pajama top on backwards.
*Run to the mall with spit up on your shirt.
*Worn the same pair of pants two days in a row.


Congratulations you have joined the ranks of the tired Mamas.
Go ahead, make yourself a strong cup of coffee. You're gonna need it.

What I Should Have Done Today

What I Should be Doing....cleaning up my house. Mother in Law is babysitting tonight and the house must be beyond regular babysitter clean, it must be Mother in Law clean.
What I'm Doing Instead....shopping for a new pair of jeans that does not make me look like I am wearing a diaper under my pants. Severe case of baggy pants going on here.

What I Should Be Doing....having a salad for lunch. Light on the calories, easy on the hips.
What I'm Doing Instead...Oh Help Me.... I'm munchin away on the dreaded yogurt covered pretzels again!!

What I Should be Doing.....ironing. Again.
What I'm Doing Instead....throwing those shirts back into the dryer and forcing those wrinkles out with the gift of heat!

What I Should Be Doing....hitting the treadmill.
What I'm Doing Instead....hitting the couch.

What I Should be Doing....reading the paper so I know what is going on in the world.
What I am Doing Instead....reading blogs! I can't stop!

What I Should be Doing....grocery shopping for dinner.
What I'm Doing Instead....thinking it would be a lot easier to order in a pizza.

Life is Short....going to stop kicking myself for what I should be doing!

I've been Mam'ed

What does it mean when some 25 year old check out girl says..."There you go Mam" as she hands you your change?
It means you have been Mam'ed!
SHE is at LEAST 25 I just turned 38...seriously..just. Should she really be:
"Yes Mam"
"Here you Go Mam"
"Thank you Mam".
QUIT MAMING ME!
Sigh.
Perhaps it's manners? Or maybe it's Karma baby.
I apologize to every single 30 something women out there who I thought I was being polite too.
I deeply regret my horrible language.
I'm sorry I "Mam'ed" you.


(Oh and Thank you to the car load of inappropriate 19 year olds who cat called and whistled at me today. You were probably drunk, but you did take a little of the sting out of my previously mentioned old lady moment!)

Sometimes it's the little things

Woke up with a groan and rolled over.
Did not want to get out of bed.
So. Tired.
Peeled my eyelids open.
Desperately tried to focus on the alarm clock.
Huh?
It is only 4:12am!
Actually giggled to myself...I get to sleep for three more hours!
Sigh.
Sometimes it's the little things that bring one joy in Suburbia.