The Dreaded Water Park

It is with great admiration that I will try to eloquently post my thoughts on the confidence of the patrons of the Typhoon Lagoon this past Sunday.

It was the night before my great expedition to the dreaded water park. A place I was sure would be filled with all kinds of perfect little hard bodies and designer suits. A destination where everyone was sure to judge what you looked like in your barley there swim wear. I dutifully packed all of our essentials. Sunscreen, hats, sweatshirts and cash. Now what the hell does a 37 year old mother of 2 wear to a water park? Something that I can look good in, where I'm still the cool Aunt and the almost Hot Mom. Men don't have this kind of stress! Something that would not encourage pointing and laughing. Something that would not draw attention. Most of all something that would stay put!! In summary I needed a magic suit!! I did not think it appropriate to don the previously blogged about bikini. I do not have the confidence to let it all hang out. My problem, I just spent a fortune on my 2 new Tankini's and know from experience water parks will reek havoc on your little expensive suits. At least if you are actually there to play, and my intent was to whoop it up with my girls. So my decision? The old trusty bikini and cutesy tank top to keep the girls under wraps should I hit any slides at warp speed. So I committed to my decision. Not looking back. Gulp

Morning dawns and we head out to our Disney destination. Kids are thrilled and I am also looking forward to a day of fun. Please god let there be heat on in at least a couple of those pools!

Here is what amazed, perhaps even shocked me. I should not have wasted one moment worrying about what I was going to wear that day. There were 300 pound women strutting their stuff with pride. Men with wicked cases of plumbers butt, laughing oblivious to their near nakedness. Teens giggling in their dental floss style suits, and in my humble opinion, not wearing nearly enough clothes. Every body type big and small....they were there and they were lovin it!

Are water parks the great equalizer? The one place on this earth where attitudes and judgements are left at the gate? No make-up, no great hair, body parts swinging and flopping every which way. People were so busy having fun and running from one great slide to the next that there was just no time for petty worries. The only thing the water crazed patrons were concerned about sunburns and the how long the line was for the BUCKETS of ice cream.

Lesson learned. Note to future self. All shapes and sizes welcomed with open arms at the water park. Maybe Disney really is the greatest place on earth.

Thank You for Not Smoking

 

I just couldn't resist snapping this photo of this rebel breaking all the rules :) Thank you for the giggle!

Challenges of a Family Vacation

Were back!! The annual family vacation is behind me. We spent 10 gloriously sunny days in Orlando. Managed a trip to Disney World's Magic Kingdom, Typhoon Lagoon, hit the T-Rex Cafe, Downtown Disney, The Town of Celebration, plus shopping and countless hours swimming in our very own backyard pool. Giggles a plenty and very few tears. Victory!

The anticipation of this couple of weeks away with those I love dearest could have left me near hysteria. So much to look forward to, a couple of unexpected surprises along the way and oh so much to do. I survived the pre-vacation hysterics and then was confronted with the day to day challenges the modern day vacation. I'm proud to say I conquered each challenge I met with style ..if not always with grace.

Challenge #1
Packing. It can and did take on a life of its own! Let's do some math. There are only 4 people in my family, a 10 day trip is planned, and I have only 3 suitcases. Each of those must be under 50 pounds? C'mon! Do you know how much shoes weigh? I hate math. We checked in with two 48 pounders and one at 46! Still room for souvenirs!
Challenge #2
How to balance Family time vs Me time while away on the coveted vacation. I may be a Mom, but I want to be rockin that tan by the time I get home. Managed by lucking out with fab kids who love to swim. Pool time. Check. Tan. Check. Even managed to read a couple of books. How great is that.
Challenge #3
Deciding how many fast food/take out meals you can serve your loved ones before you enter bad Mommy territory and generally start putting every ones health at risk.
I started trading french fries for apple slices and bought freezies made with "real fruit juice". Seemed to help my conscience and we all survived.
Challenge #4
What does the modern suburban Momma wear to the water park?? Yikes! More on that later.
Challenge #5
I am SICK of cleaning up after all of you people! I do enough of that at home and here we are with 8 people crammed into this house. Must justify the purchase of paper plates and plastic cups so I can get a break from the flippin dish duty! Hey I guess if it works for Jon and Kate plus 8, it will work for me.
Challenge #6
The other Mommy we were travelling with was FOREVER fussing and cleaning.
I ever so gently reminded her it was her vacation too and got that girl a drink.
Challenge #7
Sex with so many people in the house? HA...not giving you any details here, but don't worry, we figured it out. :)
Challenge #8
Shopping Shopping Shopping! So many things I wanted to buy! The jeans, the purses, the shades.....
What to do. I shouldn't. He said I ABSOLUTELY should. See Challenge #7! Hee Hee
Challenge #9
How do we get back so we can do the whole thing all over again...

Florida Baby

And were off..

We have battled our way through sickness. Knock on wood that we have seen the end of fevers, coughing and vomit for at least the next three weeks.

We have met the challenge of the scummy land lord and defeated her evil plot to ruin our vacation.

Accepted that our vacation for four now includes EXTRA guests.

I have done about a zillion loads of laundry.

Packed and repacked all of the bags. Deep thought for today. Packing sucks.

Gas in the car.

Seats booked on the plane.

I an so ready.

Bon Voyage and Happy trails, be home is a couple of weeks with some happy tales!

Dear Writers of the Young and the Restless

Dear Young and the Restless Writers,
Perhaps you are not aware that although your target demographic is indeed the Suburban Housewife, we are in fact NOT idiots.
I will somewhat shamefully admit that I have been watching the Y & R, on and off, since my Momma stayed home with me!
After watching your show for more then 30 years I would equate the experience with that of driving past a car accident. I don't want to look, but I can't make myself turn away!
Now that I have established myself as an expert I have a few grievances I need to air with these so called new "writers" who have taken over:
-Mrs.C: Can she PLEASE be Mrs.C again already. Has she not been dead, missing and then fighting to regain her identity for long enough! Get on with it!!
-Cane: Seriously, a couple of months ago he wanted nothing to do with Cloe, now he is suddenly in love with this baby of hers, (not his..this kid is in no way his) and he is now fighting for sole custody of this poorly named Cordillia. Obviously this is very realistic. PULEASE!
-Lily: Don't get me started on this spineless little creature. She is going to stand by and help Cane fight for a baby that is not his? Bwahhh. Ridiculous.
-Kevin: He's having a mental breakdown..again. That's creative.
-Victor: How many babies do these writers think 1 man can spawn?
-Sharon: How do the writers think it would be an inventive story line to have Sharon suddenly start to steal things and not remember it? Is this the sign of an impending nervous breakdown? This is a jumpy, strange and inconsistent story line. So much for the one character I actually didn't mind watching.
-Neil: Wasn't he the only man in the entire show who had kept it in his pants? Now he too is a cheating SOB.

I could go on and on, but I do believe you get the idea.

I know soaps are escapist TV. They are not meant to be reality based but please, could we get back to the days where there was a little bit of reality in it? Where one of the characters reminded you of your neighbour, and one of the bad guys was just a wee bit like your father in law! The Y&R has gone so far into left field there is no way a suburban housewife can relate. Boo to you. Go pick 6 people off the street and ask them what's going on in the world. Find some new material, or those of us who have been watching for more then 30 years might just have to change the channel.

Signed
The ModernMom

Wordless Wednesday

Slow Sunsets.
Steps Embedded with Sea Shells.
Cobblestone Streets.
Miles of Beach.

Mexico...I will be back.....

Do I have SUCKER written across my forehead?

There have been times in my life where I have absolutely been "taken". In my early 20's it was the almighty vacuum salesman. Hubby and I were a DINK family. Don't get excited, Double Income No Kids. The Filter Queen Vacuum Sales Guy came a rap rap rappin on our front door. The sales pitch was a force to be reckoned with. How HAD we been living with out one of those little beauties? Of course we had to purchase the bulky, heavy, gangly, awkward Filter Queen canister vacuums right then! We could not let that deal slip though our fingers. Did I mention we were living in a 1 bedroom apartment with rug in only 2 of its rooms. SUCKER

We swore we would never make another mistake like that again, not with our time or our money. OK, at least not until we took that time share presentation tour in the Dominican Republic. UG. What a mistake that was. We signed on for a 1 hour tour of a new property. Horse and carriage ride out there, lovely tour, parting gift included even if we were not interested in buying. No brainer right? Lovely time until out came the high HIGH pressure sales pitch. I ended up shaking and in tears, my hubby who never gets mad actually yelled, and we ended up cabbing back to our hotel. Oh yeah, no free gift for us. SUCKER.

A little older, a little wiser, a lot more cautious. I have learned you can't always trust people at their word. So to today. I have booked a lovely home for our upcoming vacation in Florida. 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms. Lots of space. Great deal! Checked out the owner. Yes I did! Even searched the property tax records. She is indeed the owner of this house and one other property rental. Have developed a good e-mail relationship with her and even spoken on the phone a couple of times. I felt good about my decision to trust this women with our vacation. Sent off my money and our vacation is a go! Yippee. That was in November. (I am a planner..must be organized, must have lists)
About three weeks ago this owner should have sent me all the entry information about how to get into the gated community, directions, the alarm code for the house etc. She did not. I start e-mailing her. No response. I start calling her. "Oh yes dear, I'm so sorry..I'll send it today" I am a SUCKER. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and believed this line of you know what for 2 and a half weeks! It is now 5 days before our vacation. I have e-mailed her more times then I care to admit, called her 6 or 7 times and she has disappeared from the face of the earth! GRRR. This woman is messing with my vacation. Why? Because she is a thief and I am a sucker.

Oh Honey, I Was 10 Once

She is stomping her feet AGAIN. I did a horrible thing. I had the nerve to ask her to take a shower! What a wicked Mom. Just the innocent suggestion that she might want to go and rinse the weekend's dirt and grime from her gorgeous cheeks sent her into some kind of pre-pubescent melt down!

"I hate showers"
"I don't need to wash my hair"
"Mommmmmmmm...it takes too long"
I did the appropriate thing. Turned the volume up on the TV.

This little stomping thing is something new. My darling daughter was never a child prone to temper tantrums. She has never really pushed the envelope. Could I be headed into the world of puberty already?

Good lord I'm not ready for that!!

What do I remember about being 10? Not much.
I remember countless hours swimming in our pool, and swinging on the swings.
I remember my Grade 4 teacher Mr. Jones used to pick his nose, wipe it on the bottom of his shoe and then ever so gracefully scrape his shoe on the rim of that black garbage pail! There is a nice legacy.
I remember we had a new boy join our school. All the girls thought he was the cutest thing EVER. Why? Because he wore Sweaters! Wait. I thought boys were cute?
I remember it was the year girls divided into clicks.
I also remember it was the year I started keeping a diary under lock and key. Does this mean my darling daughter could be keeping secrets from me?
I also remember being the last girl in my class who needed a bra. Boo.

The only explanation for my darling daughters emotional outbursts of late...she must be doing some kind of pre-PMS dance. No wonder asking her to take a shower can send her into a rage. Hormones suck.

Oh baby, if only I could find a way to make the next few years easier for you! Puberty (ugo word) can be so hard.

Looking back, I wish someone had told me:

-Girls can be some of the meanest creatures on earth, those mean ones, they are the ones who are sad or broken. Take it with a grain of salt.
-You will have your heart broken, but it will heal.
~Boys come and go, but girlfriends are forever. Hang on to your friends.
~Peer pressure is real. Believe in Yourself.
~Know that you can ALWAYS count on your Mom.

There is just no stopping our babies from growing up! Guess I better get prepared. It's going to be a wonderful loud and bumpy ride!

Reality Check

*I have migraines every week. The pain sometimes makes it hard to be the Mommy and wife I wish I could be.
*My youngest did not get invited to that birthday party. Mean girls suck.
*We barely made the mortgage payment this month. Whew!
*I don't remember the last time my hubby and I went out on a real date.
*The flu has been running rampant through our house for 2 weeks...I should buy stock in Lysol.
*The basement is flooding.


*A friend was just diagnosed with MS.....suddenly my life's grievances don't even seem worth discussing.

Emotional Shopping is Dangerous

A word to the wise. When you are coming off a really stressful week, it is never ever a good idea to break out the credit card and head to the mall for a little retail therapy.
Why is it when I'm feeling a little down there is a little voice inside my head that is able to take this usually logical woman and convince me that a little retail therapy is just the ticket. The thought of buying myself a new pair of shoes, indulging in a pair of designer jeans or even that pretty little T I've had my eye on becomes the best idea I've ever had. It doesn't even have to be clothes, for me..even the MAC and Estee Lauder counter become a danger zone. I suddenly am in need of everything and damn it feels so good to get a few new things after being so frugal for a while. Well, it feels good for about 30 seconds. Why did I listen to my little voice! Buyers regret kicks in pretty quickly!
They should make credit cards with some kind of built in warning system. Using it too much? Maybe that little baby should vibrate a little in your hand, just enough to get your attention and make you think twice. Breaking your normal spending habits? How about if that card starts flashing neon colours every time you pull it out of your purse. Getting close to approaching the limit on the card? I say that card should heat up! Hot = Warning! Warning! What the hell are you doing? Buying this little black dress (for which you have no need) will not solve your problems!
Ah! Retail therapy is a single girls game. If its just you,no kids no mortage, go ahead and indulge! When your a mama with two kids in suburbia it's not smart to play. Emotional shopping is dangerous.

RIP Bikinis

There has been a death in my life. The death of my bikinis. I don't know when it happened. Somewhere between the pasta and the popcorn...after the Chinese and before the red wine? But I can no longer sport a bikini.

I've been frantically packing for an upcoming trip with the family. Thought I had better try on my bathing suits to see which would be the one that would get the extra special service of traveling in my carry on. Can't take the chance that my luggage would get lost and I would have to buy a new bikini while on vacation. That's just too damn stressful.

OK..Number 1 looks like crap. Number 2...hmm..did it shrink a little. Number 3...my god where did that back fat come from! AH! I'm gonna puke. What the hell am I going to do? There is no way I can lose five OK closer to ten pounds in the 2 measly weeks we have before we head to Florida. Even if I did hit the treadmill like a crazy women I can't be seen with the couple we are traveling with (aka Ken and Barbie) in any of these suits! I have no choice. I have got to go shopping for an old lady bathing suit to try and hide some of this winter weight.

Tears in my eyes, credit card in hand I head out to the mall. Wow these specialty places really gouge you in Canada in March. The prices are insane. I head straight for the black bathing suits. Black is thinning right? Alright. That little tankini is sorta cute...oh there are a couple more. 25 minutes in the change room. $250.00 later. I'm out of there.

Home to break the news to the hubby that I just blasted the credit card to help my poor sense of self confidence. His response..."Geeze Hon..don't worry about that, it's the least you should get to do consider I ruined our family trip". Touche! Then he adds "Try them on". YIKES!

The good news. Apparently I'm still a MILF :) Gotta love him.

Wordless Wednesday

Cancun...
I love my kids more then life itself, but right now this is where I wish I was!

Away on a romantic vacation with the hubby, soaking up the sun and the love.

Sigh.
How many more weeks of winter??

Doesn't hurt to dream....

Sick Days

When I was a wee one, sick days meant time at home with Mom tucked snugly into the couch with a pillow and a favorite blanket. All the cartoons you could watch and flat ginger ale. Perfect.

As I got a little older, sick days often took on a new meaning and probably should have been renamed "Mental Health" days. You know the reasons...too many assignments due all the same week and your way behind. One too many tests coming up and you've spent too much time at swimming practice and not enough at the books. Or maybe it's just that you can't face that super bitchy girl today and need 1 day to re-group. A mental health day was the best gift your Mom could ever give you because you could get all caught up on everything you've let slide and swear you would never let yourself get that behind again! I'm still thankful for those fresh starts and when my babes start feeling the pressure I'm the first Mom to offer a Mental Health Day.

Once you hit University the meaning of the sick day morphs yet again. If your missing those Uni classes it's probably because you found a great kegger the night before and have a bad case of the "self induced flu" with a side of "fear of vomiting in public" going on.

During the next stage of your life..you have that coveted job, your living on your own and paying your own way. No more sick days. There is too much work, too many bills and not enough time.

Once your married..a sick day might be used to squeak out an extra long weekend with your new hubby :) Ah .... I remember those days!

Well where am I now? Two kids of my own now and I'm sitting here watching my baby on the couch. She's all tucked in with her favorite blanket and pillow, watching the same cartoon for the 4th time (I'm so tired of Wayside) and sipping on Chicken noodle soup and flat ginger ale.
I feel blessed that I've come full circle and hope one day my girls are able to stay home with their babies on their "sick days". Guess I better go call my Mom and thank her for sticking it out with me on my sick days.

The Glamorous Life

Is it love or the height of paranoia when you pick through your daughters vomit to make sure the red gelatinous goop is indeed half digested strawberries and not blood? Sigh. Just another Mommy living the glamorous life.