Have you ever felt that way?
Had a girlfriend come to you with her life altering, most exciting news.
News that will change the course of her life FOREVER, and all you can think is.
Oh no, she is making the biggest mistake of her life.
News that will change the course of her life FOREVER, and all you can think is.
Oh no, she is making the biggest mistake of her life.
My girlfriend came to me and announced she was getting married.
A time of joy, of celebration, to cheer and to hug!
Oh...I plastered on my fake smile, hugged her and cried.
She mistook my tears of sorrow for tears of joy.
My sweet sweet friend was taking the plunge, and making the biggest mistake of her life.
A time of joy, of celebration, to cheer and to hug!
Oh...I plastered on my fake smile, hugged her and cried.
She mistook my tears of sorrow for tears of joy.
My sweet sweet friend was taking the plunge, and making the biggest mistake of her life.
Did I tell her what I thought?
No.
Why?
She really doesn't want to hear it, and all my opinion would do is upset us both.
This is my BFF. I love her with all of my heart.
Why?
She really doesn't want to hear it, and all my opinion would do is upset us both.
This is my BFF. I love her with all of my heart.
We have already had many conversations that went like this...
Do you think I should stay with him?
Do you think he is a good man?
You like him right?
I found a ring in his bedside table....do you think it is for me? (Oh geez you have been with him for two years. If you think he is seeing someone else on the side WHAT are you doing with him ???)
When you feel the need to ask you friends if you think it is a mistake to marry this so called man of your dreams. The man who yells at you if you are not home "on time". The man who does not like any of your friends. The man who refuses to make an effort to spend any time with your family. The man who tells you you are getting fat so better not eat that! The man who shames you and breaks you down.
If you feel the need to ask....if you need to be reassured.It IS a mistake.
If your girlfriends are then brave enough to be honest with you, and tell you their truth. Honey, take a moment, pause, reconsider before you walk down that aisle.
Nobody will think less of you.
You are loved.
Just not by this man.....and not in the way that you deserve.
Yes, I have offered my opinion.
Now it is time to offer my love.
I will help pick out a dress, talk flowers and venue.
Hopefully stand by her side and truly believe she has made the right choice.
Ultimately it is her choice.
What do you do when you can see the people you love making decisions that you know are bad for them? Do you support them no matter what?
I will be here for my BFF now and hope against hope that I am wrong....
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50 comments:
I say support your friend now and later when all of the red flags waving so blatantly right now become clearer to her.
I support them. I only give advice when it is asked for, especially since I tend to be very very honest!
I would do exactly as you. Some people have to make their own mistakes in order to see them. What I do is support the decisions that my friends make regardless of what I think. I am there as a shoulder to cry on or to celebrate with them when I am proven wrong.
Your blog is so very pretty. As for not telling your BFF that she is making a mistake - I'd have to fight with myself not to say DON'T DO IT. I've got a big mouth sometimes - well done for being a good good friend
What a meaningful essay that is! You are courageous and honest.
Secretia
Aw, I was writing you a comment as you wrote me one!!
I think that is such a hard situation you are in. I have been there. I only give advice when asked...even though it is VERY hard for me sometiems!
I think she is marrying my ex husband. You are a supportive and kind friend, if and when your friend is ready to make a change and Stop Settling for this nonsense, you will be there to prop her up.
Good question. I know in the past I would have said nothing and just been supportive. I haven't had something like this come up in a long time, I'm not sure what I would do. Would the person really listen or would it break the friendship? That's why we choose to be supportive and put a smile on our face!
I supported my friend who was in a similar situation. I will listen to her when she is upset, knowing that it is all I can do. In the end, it's her husband and her life, not mine.
I think you are doing everything you can.
That's tough...I admire you for putting your feelings aside and letting your friend have her moment. I would have done the same thing. It's hard to watch a friend make such a huge life altering mistake, but sometimes it has to be done.
Sounds like you have talked to her in the past, she is a big girl and now you should be there for her. Most improtantly, be there for her when this all crumbles, hopefully in a non-violent way.
Oh I hear ya, just stay supportive is the best advice.
Be sure to stop over and visit me soon, I am having a giveaway.
Have a great week.
Blessings,
Heidi
I think you are doing the right thing. Support her choice now and then be there if and when it all falls apart.
Menopausal New Mom said it best --just "be there as a shoulder to cry on or to celebrate with them when [you are] proven wrong." Hope everything works out for her.
wow.. if my hubby ever told me to NOT eat something b/c i was getting fat... oh man...
i say all you can do is voice your opinion and stand right behind her in all she does.. she'll need the support..
p.s. my best friend married a man she KNEW was addicted to computer porn.. she thought she could FIX him... yea not so much- all i can do though is be there for her when she needs to talk or whatever...
This is a hard one. If she is happy then go with it. You being a great friend will be there no matter what happens.
I know *exactly* how you feel... I've been there before. One of my best friends-- who stood beside me on my wedding day got engaged to a great man, but it was not a great relationship. She knew she shouldn't be marrying him, I knew she shouldn't be marrying him, heck, even he knew she shouldn't be marrying him! But I kept my mouth shut... and eventually she realized it on her own. I hope your friend comes to the same realization.
Remember-- you can lead a horse to water, but if she's not thirsty, who's the horse's ass?
~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com
I agree with all the other moms. I think you're handling it the best way you can.
Gosh, I hate this. I have issues with NOT telling my friends what I feel is the God-Awful truth. But it is hard when they don't want to listen. I would drop little hints here and there...maybe she will see clearer?
I once heard a quote that rang so true for me and I repeat it to myself several times.
If you're (paraphrasing) asking for advice to a problem, you already know what the answer is for yourself.
I have seen my sister make bad choice time and time and time again (can we say married to basically the same man she just divorced a week after the divorce was final?)
I found that just listening and supporting gets me heard more than blatant warning and disagreeing. Find the subtle ways of finding what you want to say. If you don't support, she will just walk away.
What a tough situation..for multiple reasons. I give advice when asked. My college roommate did something similar..married a very dominating man and asked me endless times if she should. I finally said no. She did, and their first year was painful to observe so I supported her the best I could. Why women make these choices is so odd to me..but I was not her therapist or psychologist...just her friend. They divorced because everything she already knew she didnt like about him clearly didnt disappear when they married. My Father called it "refusing to read your mail."
YIkes. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this- it is so hard to watch others do this type of stuff.
I think you have to support as much as you can, as you are doing. Sounds like you are being a good friend and that is the best you can do right now.
Oh goodness! I am in the same situation! We've talked many times before about how it's okay not to settle right now and maybe go out and date more, but about 3 weeks ago they became engaged. It's hard to sit back and watch, but at the same time I try to support my BF. Luckily they have a long engagement, so maybe that will help.
So happened to me! I told her how I really felt and that I thought she was making a mistake. I would rather be her friend and be honest than lie to her! They have been married for about a year and talks of divorce are circulating! Sad...
I would do the same thing. It is her decision and frankly she would not "hear" what you have to say anyway, it would only make things hard on the friendship. You are being a good friend, just be there for her when she needs you. Everyone learns on their own time.
I felt this way about a guy friend of mine...when he told us all he was marrying this awful woman...it took all I had not to tell him what a huge mistake he was making.
If she asks, you could tell your honest feelings. Otherwise, be supportive. It's tough!
Tough spot. I might not say something at the moment. I'd probably wait until the next time he does something crappy and THEN say something.
Odds are pretty good anyway that she won't really "hear" you.
Tough spot.
As long as you have spoken the truth in love then all you can do is support her.
Sometimes people have to make mistakes to learn and it's hard for them to see the big picture when they are living moment to moment.
I know how frustrating it is when you just want to shake someone and yell, "don't you see what you are doing! This is a huge mistake!"..
But ultimately it isn't your choice to make, it's hers.
*hugs*
at this stage, unless he's abusing her and in danger, you kinda gotta let her walk into the mess and be there to pick up the pieces. otherwise, you might lose her forever if you say what you really wanna at this stage.....it will unravel, you knwo it will.....tough situation though, so tough
I sure hope for your friend that your are wrong. I agree with the "not saying anything" AS LONG AS she doesn't ask, if she does ask you, then it is your duty, as her BFF, to tell her. Tough situation, good luck with that.
Support is the way to go...If asked my opinion, I will offer it "gently," as odds are she is going to continue on and she is going to need me at some point and I want the relationship to still be there.
Holly
Yikes. I hope I'm never in your friend's shoes. It's scary how little we can sometimes see reality for what it is. I wish all women had the self-esteem to see what they're really worth.
Sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place. But, you are also in a great place to be a support when she needs the help to get out...it won't be a surprise to you.
Hey there! I've got a little something for you on my site to thank you for letting me read your awesome blog!
~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com
Yes, I support them and let them know what I think but that the choices they make are theirs alone, I don't judge... and I am there with the towel on my shoulder for later.
My true friends have done the very same for me and I don't know what I would do without them :)
Does she read your blog? If not, find some way to send it to her "by mistake."
Thanks for stopping by my blog - the follow button should be at the top of the screen on the blogger toolbar - don't know why it isn't showing up for you! :)
What a delightful blog you have, I love it! I am so glad you came by mine so I could come by and find yours!
How sad for your friend! no one should have to question others if it is a good decision. She should know in her heart. I am so sad for her, but good for you to give your love and support. She will need it more after the wedding it sounds like. I wish her (and you) luck!
It's such a tough situation. I've been there. I have a very good friend whose boyfriend (at the time) was not who we thought was the right man for her. For lots of reasons. They ended up getting married and, although it was volatile at times, they have made it through (with the help of therapy! who knew!) and they are now proud parents to two beautiful children and are doing really well. So...sometimes, you never really know.
BUT...I think you are doing the right thing by supporting her in her choice. It is, really, her choice. You are being a very good friend by being there for her, no matter what.
Wow. That is tough. It definitely doesn't sound like the ideal situation, but you have voiced your concerns. All you can do now is be there when she needs you, as you said. I hope it all works out for the best.
By the way, thanks for visiting my blog. I like yours, am now following and looking forward to reading more.
This happened with my BFF...they were divorced 2 years later. She got pregnant and married again, again divorced. Both men ended up being abusive. Looking back I should have said something.
I think she would have married him even if I shared my worries and objections. But had I known he was going to be abusive I might have taken the risk of her being mad at me for a while. It's so hard. Be as supportive as you can and follow your instincts!!!
I would love and support her and hopefully she'll this guy for what he is.
Oh my goodness!
Sometimes it is freaking hard to take the high road.
I've smiled through a terrible choice wedding too. They've been married about 6 months and fight all the time. I wish your friend luck.
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Yes, I think you do support her now and in the future. You've already told her what you think and she's made her decision. But, please keep your eyes and ears open. This guy sounds like he has the potential to become an abuser. Isolation from family and friends and tearing down someone's self-confidence are two of the early things abusers do. Make an effort to stay a part of her life and if she begins to shut you out, make sure she knows the number of the domestic abuse hotline and that she can turn to you at any time. You are a good friend and she is going to need you in the future.
Those situations are painful and extremely difficult. Been there too, All you can do is support her through it all, and hope you are wrong, and if you're not then get ready for some heart ache too. x
you did what you had to do as a best friend you have supported her when she needed support, you have been there when she needed you...and only she can feel what she feels when she is around the man she is love with. You have done your best...sometimes love is blind but it will rock your friendship if you talk about how you truly feel...you seem to be an awesome friend :)
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